


The Problem with Soulmates

by yehaesuki



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Soulmate AU, YeHae - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2020-07-24 20:31:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 40
Words: 35,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20020591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yehaesuki/pseuds/yehaesuki
Summary: In which Jongwoon is a blank and Donghae isn't his soulmate but he falls in love anyway.





	1. One

Jongwoon sighs as he walks down the familiar path back to his apartment, swaying a bit from the almost two bottles of soju he'd single-handedly consumed that night. In his defense, he had not been planning to get that drunk. The engagement party he was coming home from was supposed to be a happy occasion. Heechul and Jungsoo — who would have thought they'd end up like this back in high school. Jongwoon smiles in spite of his somber mood. His sunbae’s story was your classic hate-at-first-sight/enemies-who-turn-out-to-be-soulmates trope that is all in vogue these days. Jongwoon kicks a pebble in his path. Soulmates. He scoffs. People thought that finding one's soulmate is supposed to be the be-all and end-all of things… and for most, it is. Finding the other half of your soul - nothing could ever really beat that. But then, there's something about soulmates that all the dramas and the movies and the novels rarely touch upon and it is this — not everyone has them. Not everyone is born with the name of their destined one tattooed on their skin in permanent ink.

Jongwoon sighs again. But that wasn't really the problem, was it? He’s known people — blanks like him — who were perfectly happy with the partners they had chosen. No, the problem is when you meet someone who makes you wish you had their name on your skin and vice versa. The problem is when you see another's name written on that person's skin in neat bold letters, a constant reminder of what you could never have. Tears begin to fall down and Jongwoon wishes he’d taken another bottle for the road.

He hears footsteps behind him and a familiar voice calling his name.

"Hyung! Jongwoon-hyung! Hey, wait up!"

His heart stops, turns around to find soft brown eyes looking at him with concern and a face as beautiful as the first time he'd seen him all those years back when the other had been in middle school.

"Donghae," Jongwoon manages to say, before the alcohol gets the better of him and he is pitching forward into the darkness.


	2. Part 2

Jongwoon met a fourteen year-old Donghae when he was sixteen and napping his free period away at the music room after band practice. The younger boy had startled him awake then by quite literally walking all over him. Jongwoon let out a stream of curses before he noticed the uniform from the middle school two blocks away and puppy eyes looking at him with fear.

Donghae had flushed in embarrassment at the older boy’s outburst, already intimidated by the other’s appearance. He then bowed repeatedly and apologized profusely, saying that he’d been looking for his Heechul-hyung and had become lost in the process.

“Heechul-hyung?” Jongwoon asked to be sure.

The younger boy looked up at him hopefully. “Oh, do you know Heechul-hyung, sunbaenim?”

“Yes.” A frown. “But who are you?”

“My name is Lee Donghae, sunbaenim. I’m Heechul-hyung’s younger brother. Our parents got married a month ago.”

Jongwoon vaguely remembered Heechul mentioning about his father remarrying but yes, he’s talked about his new half-brother enough times to give an impression that he did adore the other, tough exterior aside.

“Ah, so you’re that Donghae. I’m sorry but Heechul-hyung left after practice an hour ago. I don’t really know where he is now.”

“Oh, so sunbaenim is part of hyung’s band? What instrument do you play?”

“None,” Jongwoon replied curtly, still a bit cranky at being woken up. “I’m sorry, Donghae, but I really can’t do anything for you so if you’ll excuse me, I’m going back to my nap.” He then lay back down and closed his eyes.

He got a few minutes of peace before he felt someone settle against the wall near him. He opened an eye and saw Donghae sitting beside him, knees drawn up to his chest, humming a familiar tune.

Donghae noticed Jongwoon looking at him and said, “Oh, I’m sorry, sunbaenim, but can I wait here in case Heechul-hyung comes back?”

Jongwoon looked at the strange kid and sighed. “Fine. Just don’t disturb me again, okay?”

Donghae had nodded and beamed at him.

A pause, and then…

“Sunbaenim?”

Jongwoon groaned. “What is it this time?”

“What’s your name?”

The older boy sighed. “Jongwoon. Kim Jongwoon. Now seriously, if you wake me up one more time…”

Donghae nodded, totally oblivious to the older boy’s murderous aura. “Okay , Jongwoon-hyung. I will keep quiet from now on, I promise. You can go back to sleep now.”

An angelic smile and Jongwoon somehow forgot why he’d gotten mad in the first place.

Jongwoon settled back down and closed his eyes, muttering to himself. Donghae started humming again but Jongwoon was too tired to say anything. He remembers falling asleep to the sound of a soft, sweet voice singing.

_“Fill my heart with song,_

_And let me sing forever more._

_You are all I long for,_

_All I worship and adore._

_In other words, please be true,_

_In other words, I love you.”_


	3. Part 3

Jongwoon wakes up with a throbbing headache and the worst hangover he’s ever had in a while. He groans as he forces himself to sit up, mentally running through his to-do list to check if he was needed for anything today. Grumbling, he picks up his phone, squinting as the harsh light makes tiny spots flash across his vision. The first thing he notices is a message from an unknown number and Jongwoon wonders before whom he’d made a fool of himself last night. He unlocks his phone and reads the message, blood draining from his face.

“Hello, hyung. I’m sorry but I had to go through your phone to figure out where you live. You kinda fainted on me and all. Anyway, here’s my number. Do text or call me if you’re still alive in the morning. If you don’t, I’ll assume the worst and will break into your apartment now that I know where you live. I’m serious, hyung. We haven’t spoken in ten years. Call me. — Your Donghae”

Jongwoon sighs when he sees the familiar signature, remembering the sixteen-year old who had written him letters and sent him cards when he went away for college, all of them ending with “your Donghae” and a drawing of a fish. He’d had to pretend every time that his heart did not skip a beat every time he got to that part. Seventeen years later and it still does.

“Your Donghae” — Jongwoon snorts. Right. As if mere words could change anything. He’d carve Donghae's name on his skin if he'd thought it would make any difference but the reality is that Donghae isn't his, could never be his, and everything is just wishful thinking on his part.

He sits up, composes a brief message informing the younger man that he is alive and thanking him for his help.

“Hyung! You’re awake!” He receives almost instantly. “I made you a batch of my hangover cure and left it in the refrigerator. Too bad I couldn’t stay. I had to pick up Hyukkie at the airport.”

“Who?” Jongwoon almost types before he remembers laughing eyes, a gummy smile, and the name written on Donghae’s left wrist. Jongwoon falls back onto bed and laughs bitterly. Of course. What did he expect?

Ah, fate was really being cruel to him. Why did he have to meet Donghae again, of all people? He’d been doing so well for the past ten years keeping the other out of his life and he’d almost been happy like that.

‘Lies,’ a voice that sounds suspiciously like Heechul taunts him. ‘How can you claim to be happy when you haven’t even been okay since that night Donghae showed you his mark.’

Jongwoon has no answer to that.

His alarm goes off and he welcomes the distraction, forces himself to get up and get dressed, ignoring the voice in his head and the feeling of his heart breaking for the millionth time.


	4. Part 4

“You look like shit,” Kyuhyun greets Jongwoon from the cubicle across his when he arrives at the office. Jongwoon groans. It just goes to show how out-of-it he is if Kyuhyun was at the office before him on a Monday.

“If it helps, I feel like shit too.”

“Hangover?”

“The worst. Though it’s a lot better than when I first woke up. At least I could stand now.”

“Ah, that sucks.” A pause. “Still up for dinner later?”

Jongwoon shrugs, switching on his work laptop. “Sure, I guess. It’s better than moping around at home. I might end up doing something stupid again.”

Jongwoon’s phone vibrates with a message. It is Heechul.

“Hey, Yesex! Still alive? Look I’m sorry for not warning you about Donghae but you guys really need to talk. FFS it’s been ten years! He might not be what you want him to be but I would think he’s at least your friend. Talk to him, okay?”

Another message comes in, this time from Donghae.

“Hyung, are you free on Friday? Let’s go out for dinner so I could properly introduce you to Hyukkie. You guys have never really met, have you? Call me.”

Jongwoon sighs.

“Hey, Kyuhyun-ah. Are you guys doing anything on Friday?”

Kyuhyun shrugs. “Nothing in particular, just our usual movie night.” A suspicious frown. “Why? Are you trying to get out of something again?”

“…Maybe.”

“Fine. As long as it’s not Heechul-hyung, Ryeonggu and I can probably hide you.”

“It’s… not Heechul-hyung.”

“Okay then. I’ll tell Ryeonggu we’re going to have company on Friday.”

“Thanks, Kyuhyun-ah,” Jongwoon says. “You really have mellowed down after meeting Wookie, haven’t you?”

“Shut up, hyung. Don’t you have work to do?”

“Ah, my dongsaeng really is all grown up.”

“Hyung…”

“Fine, I’ll work now.”

He sends a brief reply to Donghae — “sorry, but I’ll be busy” — and ignores his phone for the rest of the morning.


	5. Part 5

The first time they had ever talked about soulmates, they had been watching the Lion King at Heechul and Donghae’s house with Heechul’s then girlfriend.

“Aren’t soulmates the most romantic thing,” Donghae commented with childlike wonder the moment Simba meets Nala for the first time.

Jongwoon looked from the screen to the younger boy, was going to say something in agreement, but was interrupted by Heechul’s girlfriend standing up in a huff, slapping him, and storming off.

Jongwoon sighed. “Isn’t that the fifth one this month?” He hadn’t bothered keeping track of the names of the people Heechul dated. They barely lasted a week anyway.

Heechul shrugged, unaffected. “She was distracting me. Can’t a guy just watch a movie in peace?”

Jongwoon has rolled his eyes then. “I don’t think that’s the problem, hyung. The problem is that you keep on going out with anyone who shows even the slightest interest knowing they aren’t your soulmate. Isn’t that a waste of time?”

Heechul just laughed at him. “Ah, my naïve dongsaeng. You know what’s an even greater waste of time? Not taking a chance to be happy, fuck it if the universe doesn’t agree.”

“But you do know who your soulmate is, right?”

“Yeah and I’d much rather burn that asshole’s name off my beautiful skin.”

“Hyung, Jungsoo-hyung is not that bad,” Donghae piped up, suppressing a yawn.

“Yeah,” Jongwoon agreed. “Maybe you should try asking him out.”

A snort. “I beg to disagree. He is that bad, stupid perfect student council president.” A pause. “And I don’t want to hear all this romantic bullshit about being destined for each other from you of all people, Jongwoon-ah.”

“Hyung, I’m a blank.”

“Exactly. Lucky bastard.”

Jongwoon had shaken his head then, wanted to say something about Heechul not knowing how lucky *he* is, that being a blank was far worse, when he felt a weight settle against his shoulder. Jongwoon looked down to find that Donghae had fallen asleep on him.

“Aish, this kid,” Jongwoon found himself saying in mock exasperation. “How did he manage to fall asleep in the middle of all that racket.” He then tucked a stray strand of hair behind Donghae’s ear as as he watched the younger boy’s sleeping face, and Heechul couldn’t help but wonder if his hoobae has even realized how far he’d fallen. It wasn’t his place to say anything though so he just drank his beer, looked at Jongwoon from the other end of the couch with something akin to pity in his eyes, and hoped no one got hurt in the end.


	6. Part 6

In spite of his protests, Jongwoon ends up going to a bar with an open mic night that Friday with the "evil maknae couple" as he likes to call them. Thankfully, Donghae had not contacted him after his initial rejection. Jongwoon really doesn't know what he would have done if the other had insisted or, worse, guilt-tripped him into saying yes.

He nurses his beer, watches as Kyuhyun and Ryeowook take the stage for the nth time that night, this time with a familiar song he and Kyuhyun used to perform during office events. Kyuhyun and Ryeowook. He had never really seen a better-matched pair. While Heechul and Jungsoo were polar opposites, these two were so compatible, Jongwoon sometimes wonders if they were genetically modified as kids. Even the locations of their marks matched, loopy cursive on the left side of each of their chests. Not to say that they didn't have their own arguments — Jongwoon's couch could attest to that — but then they always seemed to work things out in the end. The opening strains of a deceptively cheerful song sound and Jongwoon takes a sip of his beer as Kyuhyun starts to sing:

_What happened today? It seems like you were crying._

_Did he hurt your heart? You who are the most precious person in the world to me._

Ryeowook lifts his own mic and sings the next stanza.

_The vending machine coffee I hold out to you is filled with the feelings I've been hiding._

_"Thanks, oppa is such a good person." At those words, I could only smile._

He finds himself smiling as the couple play around on stage, tries to ignore the way the lyrics kept hitting closer and closer to home. For some reason, he’d always ended up hearing or singing this song on occasions like this. He enjoys the sound of his friends’ voices for a while until suddenly, Kyuhyun is beside him, pulling him up on stage, and handing him the mic. He flounders for a bit, wasn’t really prepared to do any singing tonight, but then he finds the lyrics on a screen below and his instinct takes over.

_If you're good then I'm good too, but when I look at the guy who's standing next to you,_

_He's too different from me, all I can do is say_

_"Nice to meet you" to this shabby looking person._

The door of the bar opens and a group of people walk in. Kyuhyun and Ryeowook stop singing midway, whispering excitedly to each other about an up and coming PD. Jongwoon ignores them in favor of continuing :

_The difference between me and the person who makes you cry_

_Is that all I can do is comfort you._

Kyuhyun and Ryeowook finally join in for the last chorus and Jongwoon feels his mood start to lift. He'd missed this, singing on stage and performing for a crowd. Admittedly, the fact that he was drunk off his ass might have something to do with it as well. They finish the song to the sound of applause and enthusiastic calls for an encore. Jongwoon laughs, turns to ask a staff to put on another song, when he freezes.

His eyes meet familiar smiling ones from across the room and Jongwoon wonders, not for the first time, if the universe truly hates him.


	7. Part 7

The first time Jongwoon realized he was in love was when he was eighteen and standing onstage at their high school band’s last performance. He’d scanned the crowd of familiar faces, getting a bit emotional at the thought of leaving everything behind, when like a moth to a flame, Donghae's radiant smile drew his attention. They had grown closer ever since Donghae literally stumbled upon him in the music room — something already unusual for the normally introverted Jongwoon — but he never really noticed just how much he'd come to look forward to spending time with the younger boy until he could no longer see the other on a daily basis.

Their eyes met and Donghae had shouted something that was possibly Jongwoon’s name and Jongwoon felt his heart skip a beat for the first time in a while.

‘No. It can’t be,’ he remembers thinking, shifting so quickly between panic and denial that he almost missed the first note of the song. It was one thing to be mildly attracted to someone. It was entirely another to fall in love — because it was love, Jongwoon was so sure even then, couldn't be anything but love. Not after all the late night conversations and music sessions and sneaking out for smoothies at 2:00 in the morning.

But then it all came crashing down when he remembered that Donghae wasn't like him. Donghae had someone out there destined for him, someone whom the other had been wanting to meet for so long. He cursed internally, heart aching as he wailed into the microphone. How had he been so careless? He should have pulled away the moment he'd felt the other quietly slipping into his life. Now, it was too late and Jongwoon was determined that if anyone were to suffer any pain from this, it deserved to be him.

So he poured his heart out into the rock ballad he was singing, for the first time truly understanding its lyrics.

_The more I love you, the more it hurts,_

_I must get out of your life,_

_Riding the sweep of the fleeting time._

He'd caught Donghae's eyes again then and his mouthed "saranghae, hyung," a meaningless endearment the younger boy seemed to like throwing around, and Jongwoon doubted for the first time if he was strong enough to stay by the other's side after all.


	8. Part 8

Jongwoon sighs as he returns to his seat after two more songs, leaving the couple to their duet, acutely aware of the pair of eyes trained on him from the next table over. He pours himself a shot of soju, downs it, and stubbornly refuses to look back. He gets a minute of peace before an excited voice calls his name.

“Hyung! Jongwoon-hyung!” Donghae says, taking the seat opposite Jongwoon. “You’re here! I thought you were going to be busy!”

Jongwoon groans, pretends to be surprised. “Donghae-ah! I didn’t see you there. Sorry, I’m here with a colleague and his boyfriend. I had said yes to them when you asked and couldn’t cancel.”

Donghae laughs. “Oh, that’s okay. I was just teasing you.” A pause. “It was quite sudden anyway. I… didn’t expect to see you at Heechul-hyung’s engagement party.”

Jongwoon suppresses the urge to roll his eyes. “I didn’t plan on coming to be honest but you know Heechul-hyung and his grudges. You want a drink?”

“Ah, no. I’m actually here with Hyukkie and his boss. Come, let me introduce you.” And just like it were the most normal thing in the world, Donghae takes him by the arm as he’d always done when he was younger and pulls him towards a booth where two men were watching something on a phone screen. They look up when Donghae approaches with Jongwoon and one of them gives Jongwoon a curious smile.

“Hae, who’s your friend?” The one with the gummy smile asks.

“Hyukkie! Guess who I found?” Donghae squeezes Jongwoon’s arm, making the older man wince. “This is Jongwoon-hyung. Hyung, this is Hyukkie, my boyfriend. Oh, and this is Shindong-ssi, Hyukkie’s boss.”

“Nice to meet you,” Jongwoon bows politely at each man in turn, couldn’t help but size up the one Donghae had introduced as “Hyukkie.” Hyukjae. It was quite disorienting, finally meeting the one whose name was written on Donghae’s left wrist.

Hyukjae stands to shake Jongwoon’s hand. “Jongwoon-hyung, it’s good to finally meet you. Hae has told me quite a lot about you.”

“Hyukkie!” Donghae whines, slips into the booth next to Hyukjae and Jongwoon is distracted by the blush on the other’s face.

“But it’s true, chagiya,” Hyukjae laughs before planting a kiss on his pouting boyfriend’s cheek.

Jongwoon averts his eyes.

Shindong laughs, “Ah, soulmates. Have you seen anything more sickeningly sweet? Soju?”

Jongwoon rolls his eyes then, glad to have some distraction, takes the offered shot glass and sits opposite the other. “Tell me about it. I’ve third-wheeled that evil couple on stage more often than is good for my health.”

“Ah, they are quite infatuated with each other, aren’t they?”

Jongwoon looks at them to see Kyuhyun take Ryeowook’s hand as they sing another love song to each other.

“It’s the honeymoon stage. They’ve been together for less than a year.”

“Ah, I’m really glad I’m not involved in all that soulmate bullshit,” Shindong comments and Jongwoon has to ask.

“So are you a blank too?”

Shindong appears to be thinking about it. “Not exactly. I just don’t know what my soulmate mark says.”

“Oh?” Jongwoon asks. “Is it located somewhere inconvenient? You never asked anyone to check?”

“To be honest, I don’t really care enough to know.” Shindong snorts. “It just doesn’t make any sense, having words on skin determine whom you’ll spend your entire life with.”

“You’ve never been curious? Like, at all?”

Shindong shrugs once again and Hyukjae interrupts.

“Ah, Jongwoon-hyung, don’t let Shindong-hyung fool you. He really is a romantic at heart. He just has a different take on what romance is supposed to be from the rest of us.” A thoughtful glance. “Come to think of it, maybe that’s what makes his style as a director unique.”

“Aish, Hyukjae-ah. How many times should I tell you that flattery won’t get you a raise.”

“It’s not flattery if it’s true, hyung. You really are talented.”

Jongwoon tunes them out until he hears the first few notes of a familiar song. He turns and sees Ryeowook seated at a piano and Kyuhyun handing him the mic.

“Your turn,” Kyuhyun says. “It’s been a while since we’ve heard you sing a song you composed.”

Jongwoon groans. Of course it had to be that song. He should never have let the brats near his compositions. He accidentally meets Donghae’s curious gaze and feels like he’s suffocating. He looks away.

“Fine,” Jongwoon says, just to get away. “But didn’t you always say this was my most depressing song?”

Kyuhyun shrugs. “Wookie seems to like it.”

Jongwoon sighs, downs another shot of soju, and goes back up on stage.


	9. Part 9

The first time Donghae showed Jongwoon his soulmate mark, it was on the eve of the former’s eighteenth birthday when the two of them were drunk off their asses at the rooftop of Jongwoon’s university dorm. Donghae had come for a visit and Jongwoon had to sneak him in when it became too late for the other to go back home alone.

There wasn’t anything grand about it. Jongwoon had somehow managed some Chinese takeout and convenience store soju and a small cake from the café down the street but Donghae had beamed happily at him as though it were the best meal he’d ever had.

Donghae had just blown out the candle on his cake when Jongwoon asked him what he wished for.

“Happiness,” Donghae had answered with a drunken giggle. “And to finally meet Hyukjae.”

Jongwoon was taken aback. “Who?”

“Hyukjae, my soulmate. See?” And Donghae pulled up the sleeve of his sweater to show Jongwoon the name written on his left wrist.

Jongwoon was stunned into silence. Objectively, he knew it was bound to happen, him finding out the name of Donghae’s soulmate. He wished he was allowed more time to pretend though, if only for that night.

“Hyung? Say something. Are you okay?” Donghae had asked worriedly, suddenly uncomfortably close.

Jongwoon swallowed against the dryness of his throat, took another drink from his almost empty bottle. “Ahhh,” Jongwoon made himself say, forcing a smile. “Those are good wishes, Donghae-ah. I hope both of them come true.”

Donghae looked at him then with an unreadable expression before plopping onto his back.

“Hyung, why is the world spinning? Is this how it feels to be drunk?”

Jongwoon just laughed and looked down at him, glad that Donghae had seemed to forget the earlier topic. The expression on the other’s face looked too cute for Jongwoon to resist though and he reached down to ruffle the younger boy’s hair. Donghae anticipated it, catching Jongwoon’s hand and pulling.

Jongwoon lost his balance and found himself suddenly braced on top of Donghae, faces so close to each other, Jongwoon could practically count the younger boy’s eyelashes.

“Hyung,” Donghae had said, looking up at him still with that strange expression. “Do you think… They say when you get extremely drunk, you sometimes do stupid things that you won’t remember the next morning.”

Jongwoon felt his heart beat faster. Did Donghae mean what he thought he meant?

“Hyung, please,” Donghae had said and Jongwoon lost his resolve, leaned forward to press his lips against the other’s impossibly soft and warm ones.

Somewhere, a clock struck midnight and Jongwoon opened his eyes to find that Donghae had fallen asleep. He watched the other, heart pounding against his chest, and wished he had the courage to tell him the truth. But he couldn’t be that selfish, the name on Donghae’s wrist wasn’t his, and who was he to deprive the other of that happiness.

“Happy birthday, Hae,” he whispered instead before lying back down. He felt Donghae reach for his hand in his sleep and curl up against his side, ever so trusting, and felt his heart break for the thousandth time.

(Donghae woke up to Jongwoon packing their leftovers and an odd feeling of loss. It was the first and the last time he would ever get drunk with anyone but that is something Jongwoon could never know.)


	10. Part 10

Jongwoon leans back against his seat as he watches Kyuhyun and Ryeowook rap onstage, both drunk off their asses to really care if they got the words or the rhythm right. He envies them. He and Donghae were the only ones left at the table and Jongwoon suddenly finds himself painfully sober. Hyukjae had left half an hour ago to drive his boss home. Jongwoon frowns. What kind of work did Hyukjae even do?

“He’s a choreographer,” Donghae says and Jongwoon realizes he’d spoken out loud. “We met in uni. We were in the same dance class.”

Jongwoon blinks. “And you? What do you do these days?”

Donghae smiles wistfully. “I teach dance to young kids every weekend.”

Jongwoon frowns. “Oh, I would have thought you would have gone professional. You always talked about it when we were younger.”

Donghae laughs. “Ah, well. That’s just how things happened. I’m just happy I’m still able to dance and you know how much I love kids so it all works out.” A pause. “How about you, hyung? Why didn’t you turn professional?”

Jongwoon takes a long sip of his beer, thinks for a moment about lying, chooses to be honest instead. “I got vocal cord nodules two years after college.”

Jongwoon hears Donghae gasp and takes another long sip, hoping that the alcohol would hurry up and do its job already.

“Hyung,” Donghae says hesitantly. “Hyung, you never… Is that the reason you left all those years back?”

Jongwoon shrugs. It wasn’t but Donghae was better off believing that than knowing the awful truth.

“Hyung…”

Jongwoon feels a hand settle on his shoulder and looks beside him to find the younger man tearing up. Jongwoon curses himself. Even now, all he seems to ever do is make Donghae cry. He feels the urge to reach up and wipe those tears away and clenches his fists. It was not his place, goddamnit. It never was.

He attempts to smile reassuringly instead and says, “Don’t worry about it, Donghae-ah. It’s been years and I’ve moved on from that.”

“But your voice… Out of everything, I really missed your voice, hyung.” And Donghae says this so honestly, Jongwoon has to close his eyes.

‘He doesn’t mean it like that,’ he tells himself against the racing of his heart. ‘He isn’t yours.’ He says this over and over again hoping that his treacherous heart would stop reading too much into things.

“Hyung?” Donghae calls to him. “Hyung, are you okay?”

Jongwoon opens his eyes and feels the world spin. “I’m sorry, Donghae-ah. I think I’ve had too much to drink already. I’d better go.” He attempts to stand but falls back down. He gives up after two more attempts, leans against the back of the seat and closes his eyes again.

“Hyung! Hey! Don’t sleep here,” He hears Donghae say. “Uhm, wait. Let me… I’ll just tell your friends that we’re leaving and then I’ll take you home, okay?”

Jongwoon just nods, the pounding in his head getting the better of him.

He hears the younger man get up and approach the stage. A minute later and Donghae is helping Jongwoon up, placing Jongwoon’s arm around his own shoulder, an arm around his waist to support him. Jongwoon allows himself to be led away from the booth and out of the bar, tries not to think about the feeling of the other against him and how everything would be gone the next morning.


	11. Part 11

Jongwoon remembers the exact moment he gave up.

Donghae had invited him to his college graduation, a week after Jongwoon had been told by his doctor that he needed to rest if he didn't want the nodules in his throat to get worse. It was not a good time for him and he planned on not going, not wanting to ruin such a happy occasion with his mood. But then Donghae had to call him the night before and he couldn’t bring himself to tell the other, not when Donghae was excitedly going on and on about his plans after graduation.

“Oh, and hyung,” Donghae said, tone suddenly subdued.

Jongwoon's heart pounded nervously against his chest at they younger man’s tone, so sure that it could only mean one thing.

“Yes, Hae?” he forced himself to ask.

“There’s someone I like you to meet,” Donghae said and Jongwoon felt his throat suddenly go dry. Of course, that was it. Since the night on the rooftop of his university dorm, Jongwoon had always felts that he was living on borrowed time, that sooner or later the person whose name was on Donghae's skin would turn up and he would have to learn to accept reality or leave.

“Hyung, are you still there?” Donghae asked worriedly and Jongwoon sighed.

“It's Hyukjae, isn't it?”

Donghae laughed then, embarrassed. “Uhm, yes. How did you guess, hyung? We met during our last semester and instantly clicked and hyung, I really am so happy that I have finally found my soulmate.”

It felt like he’d been punched in the gut but Jongwoon forced a smile even if the other could not see it and tightened his grip on his phone. "I'm happy for you too, Hae, but I’m sorry, I need to hang up now. You can tell me more about him tomorrow, okay?”

"Okay, hyung. See you tomorrow."

"Good night, Donghae."

“Good night, hyung. Please do get some sleep.”

Jongwoon didn’t, had just sat there in the darkness of his room staring blankly outside his window until the sun rose.

—

Jongwoon was late. It had been surprisingly difficult to get some decent flowers in the area around Donghae’s university that by the time he had arrived, the graduation ceremony was already finished. He scanned the crowd for Donghae or, at the very least, Heechul, and was able to find the former in record time. He walked towards the younger man who was looking radiant in his graduation robes, was about to call out to him when suddenly, someone pulled Donghae into a hug in the middle of a field full of graduates and kissed him.

Jongwoon felt his blood run cold. He thought he would be okay with it, had been preparing himself for this inevitable moment when the fact that Donghae could never be his would finally be driven home. He’d practiced smiling in the mirror that morning, imagined shaking the hand of the person who would be taking Donghae away. He practiced and prepared and psyched himself up so why then did it feel like his whole world was falling apart.

The graduates were cheering the couple on now and amidst all the chaos, Donghae’s eyes met Jongwoon’s pain-stricken ones and it became too much for him.

He ran.

An hour and several worried messages from Donghae later and Jongwoon finally accepted that he could not do it, could not stay beside Donghae as his friend and pretend to be happy for him when he felt like his heart was being torn into a thousand pieces every time he’d see him with Hyukjae.

The text messages Jongwoon sent Donghae following this realization would be the last the younger man would hear from him for more than ten years.

"Congratulations on your graduation, Donghae-ah,” the first read. “I'm sorry hyung had to leave in a rush. It was an emergency. Just know that I will always be so, so proud of you.”

And then…

“Thank you for everything, Hae. Please be happy. Goodbye."

(Jongwoon had changed numbers quickly after that, moved out of his apartment, and disappeared from Donghae's life. At that time, he felt that it was the only way that he could heal and that time would make him forget.

He was wrong.)


	12. Part 12

Donghae looks out the window of their Uber, watching the city lights go by, Jongwoon a comfortable weight against his shoulder. It had taken some convincing for Jongwoon to allow him to get into the car with him but when he did, the older man promptly closed his eyes and fell asleep.

Jongwoon… Donghae never expected to see him again, not after the last message he'd received from him on the day of his graduation. Donghae is so sure Jongwoon had been there on that day, had picked up the bouquet the other had dropped in his rush to leave. Donghae has never figured out why, though. There was an emergency, Jongwoon had said. But what emergency would justify shutting him out of his life just like that.

Donghae had been surprised at how much it hurt, had cried his heart out in Heechul's arms after days, weeks of not getting any response from Jongwoon. More than he realized it then, Jongwoon had become such an important part of his life, and having the other leave so suddenly without any explanation… Nothing could have prepared him for the pain. It almost felt like his first heartbreak.

Donghae sighs. Ten years. Ten long years. He'd be lying if he'd said he'd thought about the older man every single day but during his most difficult times, his thoughts would automatically turn to him — the day Donghae's father died, the night he made the decision to give up his dance scholarship in Switzerland to move to Seoul with Hyukjae, all the times when he'd feel anxious about how different his life was turning out from what he'd imagined it to be when he was younger. He'd think of Jongwoon, of quiet afternoons in the music room, of sleepovers and movie nights, of simpler times when all they had was each other and the world was still theirs for the taking.

The car stops and the driver announces their arrival at their destination. Donghae nods his thanks and shakes Jongwoon awake.

The older man squints at him. "What? Where am I?"

"We're here, hyung."

"Here?" Jongwoon asks stupidly.

"Your house, hyung. Come on."

He helps Jongwoon out of the car and into the cold night air. Jongwoon stumbles a bit, but recovers, a hand on Donghae's arm. They slowly make their way to the lobby and up the elevator to Jongwoon's apartment. Jongwoon unlocks the door and turns to Donghae.

"Would you like to come in?" Jongwoon asks, looking at him with a strange expression. There was a time when Donghae could easily figure out what the older man was feeling but now…

Donghae's phone rings and he looks down. It is Hyukjae.

He looks up at Jongwoon. "I'm sorry, hyung. I have to…"

Jongwoon just nods. "Okay. Take care on your way back." He then enters his apartment and moves to close his door.

"Hyung!" Donghae suddenly calls out. For some reason, it feels like they were back on that field again on the day of Donghae's graduation. "Hyung, I'll call, okay? Tomorrow. Please don't…"

_Run away? Shut me out? Leave me again?_

Donghae bites his lower lip to keep himself from saying those words.

Jongwoon gives him a smile that doesn't reach his eyes. "Okay. Good night, Donghae-ah."

Jongwoon then closes his door and Donghae is overcome by a sudden feeling of loss. He reaches out to stop the door from closing but his phone rings again and he snaps out of it. It was Hyukjae again. His earlier call had apparently gone to voice mail without Donghae even noticing.

Donghae sighs, shakes his head to rid himself of the weird thoughts going through it. He turns his back on Jongwoon's door as it clicks shut and walks towards the elevator, finally answering his phone. He listens to his boyfriend’s worried chatter, apologizes for worrying him, and asks Hyukjae to take him home. 


	13. Part 13

It had taken Heechul exactly 3 years 1 month and 2 days to find Jongwoon. Jungsoo, whom he was working on a project with at that time, mentioned offhandedly during one of their meetings that he'd seen Jongwoon at the coffee shop two blocks away a couple of nights back and hey, weren't they together in a band in high school? It took all of Heechul's self-restraint not to take off in the middle of the workday to confront Jongwoon, managed to wait until he could actually leave before storming off and into said coffee shop.

He found Jongwoon manning the cash register.

“Good evening. Welcome to Haru. How may I— hyung,” Jongwoon’s eyes widened and he trailed off when he saw Heechul. Of all the people from his past, he never thought that Heechul would be the first one he’d see after he disappeared.

“Jongwoon,” Heechul had said, dead serious, and it was all the warning Jongwoon got before Heechul was drawing his hand back and slapping Jongwoon on the cheek. Both of them yelped when Heechul’s hand made contact, the slap resounding through the almost empty café.

“Hyung, what the hell?” Jongwoon said, rubbing his cheek.

“What the hell?” Heechul screeched, nursing his hand that also got hurt from the slap. “You disappeared on us with nothing but a text. You punk! Who even does that, huh? You didn’t even think… Donghae was…”

Jongwoon looked around nervously as people started to grow more curious. He took off his apron, nodding to one of his colleagues before moving around the counter.

“Hyung, let’s talk outside, okay?”

Jongwoon led Heechul to the parking lot behind the coffee shop.

“Hyung, I’m…”

Heechul full on punched Jongwoon then. “You bastard! What the hell were you thinking pulling a stunt like that? Didn’t you even stop to think about the people you’ll be hurting, huh? Didn’t you even think… Donghae, he was devastated and for what? Your sick sense of—”

“But I was hurting too!” Jongwoon had shouted and that stopped Heechul in his rant.

“What?”

“Hyung, I was hurting too, okay? Back then I knew but I didn’t think… Hyung, I thought I could do it, could stay by his side as just a friend but when it all came down to it…”

“Did it stop?”

“What?”

“The pain? Did it stop hurting when you left?”

Jongwoon refused to look at Heechul then.

Heechul had sighed. “Jongwoon, listen. You should know that I also thought of you as a brother. It wasn’t just Donghae that you hurt by leaving.”

“I’m sorry, hyung,” Jongwoon said.

Heechul sighed. “Well, I’m sorry too. I knew of your feelings for Donghae even back in high school but I just looked the other way and let you deal with them alone. Here.” Heechul handed Jongwoon his business card. “We should talk when we’ve both cooled down. Call me.”

Jongwoon had blinked at Heechul’s change of tone but took the card anyway and nodded.

Jongwoon called him a week later and the rest, as they say, was history.


	14. Part 14

Jongwoon sighs as he walks into Haru for the first time in almost six years. Heechul had asked that they meet here of all places, possibly on purpose. Why? Well, Jongwoon had long ago given up trying to figure out what goes on in his sunbae's mind.

Jongwoon looks around as he queues up to place his order. As expected, Heechul is nowhere to be found. The man would probably even be late to his own wedding, having Donghae as his best man dramatically increasing the odds of that happening. If Jongwoon hadn’t already decided to go, the promise of seeing Jungsoo passive-aggressively chew Heechul out for being late would have sealed the deal for him. Jongwoon chuckles. That couple really was a refreshing change from the usual soulmate pair.

A couple of minutes later and Jongwoon reaches the counter, rattling off his usual order — a tall iced americano and a roast beef sandwich.

He then waits for his order to be called at a nearby table, watching the baristas work behind the counter with a feeling of nostalgia. Working here may not have been what he thought his first job would be but it surely helped him through one of the roughest patches he’s had in his life so far. He finds himself trying to remember how to make a flat white when his order is called. He collects his meal, smiling politely at the barista and slipping some bills into the tip jar, before making his way to his favorite spot — a quiet booth near the window, a bit hot during the afternoons but pleasantly warm at this time in the morning. He wonders if he should have gotten Heechul something when the bell rings and he looks up instinctively, only to have the wind knocked out of him when a familiar figure walks in.

Donghae stands at the doorway in a light blue long-sleeved shirt and jeans, a pair of glasses perched on the bridge of his nose accentuating his features, turning a few heads. Donghae's ignores them though, gaze sweeping across the café as though looking for someone. Their eyes meet and Donghae’s face lights up as he makes his way towards Jongwoon's table.

"Jongwoon-hyung!" Donghae says when he reaches him, taking a seat across the still surprised Jongwoon. "I'm sorry. Heechul-hyung had a sudden meeting with a supplier so he sent me to meet with you instead. I hope you don't mind."

Jongwoon blinks and then groans. Of course, of course his sunbae would come up with something like this. He’d always been strangely supportive of Jongwoon’s feelings for his half-brother — his half brother who has been peering at Jongwoon curiously for almost five minutes now. Jongwoon curses internally. Damn Heechul and his schemes. He forces a smile.

"Of course not, Donghae-ah,” Jongwoon says. “It's good to finally meet you while we’re both sober."

"But Jongwoon-hyung, weren’t you the only one who was drunk?”

Jongwoon pretends to ignore him. "Can I get you anything?"

"Uhm, you really don't have to, hyung. I actually just dropped by to… I mean, if you want to eat with me, I can pay--"

And Jongwoon is suddenly reminded of a fifteen year-old Donghae clinging to him and demanding to be treated to burgers and fries every Friday. That is one thing Donghae has grown out of over the past ten years, apparently, and Jongwoon is a bit scared to find out what else has changed.

"Nonsense,” he says, interrupting his thoughts. “It’s the least I can do for the trouble I caused you. And I wouldn’t be offering to get you anything if I didn’t want to eat with you.”

Donghae smiles at him then. "If you insist, hyung. An iced americano and a salad should be enough."

"And cake?"

“What?”

“You still like cakes, don’t you?”

Donghae blinks. "Uhm, yeah. I really shouldn't though. I've been putting on a bit of weight lately…"

Jongwoon's gaze unconsciously travels down Donghae's body, catches himself before it becomes too obvious and coughs. "Okay then. I'll be right back."

He gets Donghae his coffee and salad in record time and a slice of special dark chocolate cake as well, slightly bitter if only so that if Donghae refused it, at least Jongwoon could eat it himself despite his dislike for sweet things.

Jongwoon returns to their table to find Donghae taking pictures of the café's interior. It always puzzled Jongwoon why Donghae seemed to prefer taking pictures of scenery and others than himself. He'd asked a younger Donghae this only to receive a puzzled look. "But hyung, the scenery and other people are a lot more interesting than my face." Jongwoon begged to disagree. He places the tray of food down and gives in to the urge to snap a photo.

He then places the salad, coffee, and cake in front of Donghae, startling the other into almost dropping his phone.

Donghae's eyes widen when he sees the slice of cake.

"But hyung, I said I didn't…'

Jongwoon waves him off. "I bought it for us to share. Half a slice of cake shouldn't hurt, right?"

Donghae smiles. "Thanks, hyung. Have some of my salad too then."

They talk — about the good old days, friends old and new, what they were doing and not doing with their lives. Donghae seemed to find it hilarious that Jongwoon ended up working in Finance while Jongwoon found himself discovering things about this Donghae which were worlds apart from and yet strangely the same as the Donghae he remembers. They finish their meal in high spirits, as though the ten years in between had never happened. That is until Donghae receives a message that has him sighing and looking at Jongwoon apologetically.

"I'm sorry, hyung, but I have to bring Hyukkie to the airport again." A pause. "Oh, and before I forget, here's your invitation to hyung and Jungsoo-hyung's wedding. He wasn't sure if you'd be bringing anyone so he made me bring an--"

"I'm not," Jongwoon says.

"What?"

"I'm not bringing anyone," Jongwoon repeats, trying to control his expression. "Tell Heechul-hyung I appreciate the thought, though."

"Hyung, do you really… have you never really found anyone after all these years?"

Jongwoon lets out a laugh in spite of himself. "Ah, Donghae-ah. I'm a blank, remember? That's not exactly something that changes with time."

Donghae looks at him with a strange expression. "I know that, hyung, but surely you…"

Donghae's phone rings, interrupting them once again.

“I haven’t.” Jongwoon says with conviction. "You should go now. Can’t keep your soulmate waiting, right?”

"Hyung…" Donghae looks like he wants to say something else but stops himself, says instead, "I had fun. We should do this more often."

"So did I," Jongwoon smiles. "Take care of yourself, Donghae-ah."

"You too, hyung," Donghae says before standing up. He is halfway to the door when he turns around, walks hurriedly back towards Jongwoon, and leans in to take a selca with him. Jongwoon looks up, surprised, while Donghae just giggles before pocketing his phone.

"Cute. I'll send you the photo, hyung. Again, thanks for the meal," Donghae says before he rushes back towards the door. He is gone even before Jongwoon could even blink.


	15. Part 15

Donghae sighs as he stares out the window of yet another café, absent-mindedly spinning his phone in one hand. Before him lay two tickets and an opened envelope.

Today is Sunday and he and Hyukjae were supposed to go visit the aquarium together. It’s been ages since the two of them had gone on a proper date without it suddenly turning into an impromptu business meeting or a meet-up with Hyukjae’s work friends and what better day to do it than on the anniversary of their first meeting. It was something Donghae had been looking forward to after Hyukjae’s last trip, had dressed up rather nicely for it and prepared his camera. It really is a shame Hyukjae had to cancel on him at the last minute. Again.

“Hae-chagi,” Hyukjae had said over the static, reception spotty in whatever place he is at. “I’m sorry but I really have to work today. You know how important this project is for me. It’s my first as assistant director and Shindong-hyung says…”

Donghae had tuned out then, already used to the spiel. It was always about a project these days, always about “Shindong-hyung”, always about it being the last one before he takes a break and they finally could go travelling the world together without worrying about funds and wouldn’t you like that, Hae-chagi?

He didn’t even wish you a happy anniversary, a voice in Donghae’s head that sounds suspiciously like Heechul points out unhelpfully. It stings more than it should after all these years.

Donghae sighs and wonders how they’d gotten to this point. He remembers those early days when it seemed that they couldn’t get enough of each other. They’d found each other a bit later in life than either of them would have liked and had spent a good three years in their “honeymoon stage.” Even after that though, even when the demands of adulthood began taking their toll, they at least made time for each other. Now…

Donghae’s phone vibrates with a message and he finally looks at it, a part of him hoping that it is Hyukjae sending him a message that he changed his mind, that spending time with Donghae today is more important than whatever project he is working on. He blinks when a selca he’d taken recently shows up instead. He unlocks his phone and reads the message, blinks when he sees what seems to be a picture of an old shop and an address.

“You said you’ve started collecting LPs. Found a shop that sells rare but used ones. You might want to check it out.”

The curt, business-like tone of the message would’ve put Donghae off had it come from anyone but the sender. He finds himself smiling instead, an idea forming in his mind.

Would he want to though? His inner voice chides him. It’s not like you guys are as close as you were before.

Donghae sighs, hesitates, finds himself staring at the strange yet familiar features of the man with him in the contact picture, the memory of their last meeting making him feel warm inside. Another minute of staring and Donghae decides to stop thinking about it, gives in to the urge and presses call. Three rings and someone picks up.

“Hello,” a soft baritone greets him.

Donghae finds himself smiling wider, fiddling with the tickets in his hand.

“Jongwoon-hyung. Hey, it’s me. Are you doing anything today?”


	16. Part 16

Jongwoon adjusts the lapels of his newly-bought jacket, standing nervously in front of the entrance to the aquarium. If anyone asked him what his plans for the weekend were, he would have said something boring like staying in to watch movies or third-wheeling the evil maknae couple.

He didn’t expect to receive a call so soon after he’d sent the message he’d been composing for half an hour. Hadn’t expected it to be Donghae of all people asking him if he is free and if he liked clownfish or angelfish better.

“Clownfish,” he’d answered instinctively, purposefully ignoring the first part. He heard a laugh from the other side of the line and found himself heaving a sigh of relief, feeling as though he’d passed some unspoken test.

“Clownfish are cute, aren’t they?” Donghae agreed. “So, hyung. Are you free or not?”

Jongwoon had looked at the couple in front of him — Kyuhyun and Ryeowook hadn’t even noticed he had stopped following them — and sighed.

“Sure,” he said, trying to control his voice so it won’t betray the loud pounding of his heart against his chest. “What do you have in mind, Donghae-ah?”

“Really? You’ll come with me?”

Jongwoon allows himself a small smile. “Yeah, sure. You haven’t said where, though.”

“The aquarium. Hyung, it’s been ages since I’ve been there. You know the jellyfish exhibit they had before…”

And then he had launched into a detailed description of the things he wanted to see and do and the food he wanted to eat, words getting a bit jumbled up in his excitement.

“Hey, slow down,” Jongwoon had said, teasing. “I could barely understand anything you said. You really have been looking forward to this, huh?”

A sigh. “Yeah. Too bad Hyukkie is too busy to take me out on our anniversary.”

“Oh.” Jongwoon said, feeling like he’d just gotten a knife to the heart at those words. He laughs bitterly. Of course, of course, it was all for Hyukjae. Had he really expected it to be anything else? “I’m sorry to hear that,” he forced himself to say when the silence was getting suspicious.

Donghae forced a laugh. “It’s fine, hyung. We’ve been together for so long, we’re bound to start forgetting the little things.” A pause. “So, see you at 2:00?”

_It isn’t such a little thing to you, though, if you planned it out this much,_ Jongwoon found himself thinking.

“Sure, see you,” he said instead through gritted teeth.

“Great!” Donghae replied. “It’s settled then. Let’s meet at the entrance, okay? I’d ask you out for lunch too but I have to cancel some reservations first. Don’t forget to eat, hyung. Bye.”

Jongwoon waited for Donghae to hang up before looking up from his phone to find two pairs of eyes looking at him knowingly.

“What?” he asked.

“So…” Kyuhyun said. “Someone’s going on a date?”

“It’s not a date,” Jongwoon countered, rolling his eyes. “And that was Donghae.”

“Oh,” Ryeowook said, looking at Kyuhyun. “Sorry, we thought…”

Jongwoon waved them off. “Aish, you two. Not everything or everyone has to be about love or being in love.”

“You are, though, aren’t you?” Ryeowook whispered, annoyingly perceptive as always and Kyuhyun grinned, “Well at least you going out today in a sleeveless muscle shirt is going to be good for something.”

Jongwoon cursed. He hadn’t gotten to do laundry for two weeks now so his choices were running thin. Why’d he have to wear something so embarrassing today of all days? Luckily, he’d spotted a decent looking jacket in a thrift shop.

Jongwoon sighs, looking at his watch. 2:15. If it were anyone else but Donghae, he probably would have left by now. At least the place was interesting enough and he hadn’t gotten bored of taking pictures yet. He raises his phone to take a photo of an interesting cloud formation when he hears someone running towards him.

“Hyung! Good! You’re still here. I’m so sorry. I got held up. I— Here.”

Jongwoon blinks and he finds himself holding a huge glass of iced coffee with two straws in it. He looks up, confused.

“Donghae-ah, why are you dressed like that? And why are there two straws?”

But Donghae doesn’t hear him, had begun running excitedly towards the entrance, childish demeanor an interesting contrast with the suit he is wearing.

“Come on, hyung! Let’s go see Nemo,” he calls to Jongwoon and suddenly they are in high school again sitting on that train to Seoul one New Year’s Eve when they were both supposed to be visiting cousins and Jongwoon allows himself a fond chuckle as he follows Donghae to wherever he may lead, as he’d done before.


	17. Part 17: Memories: A Promise

It had been a spur of the moment decision, one of Donghae's what-ifs and maybe-we-coulds that he’d somehow roped Jongwoon into making a reality. Jongwoon clasps his backpack, counts his change, and walks towards where Donghae was looking at the train schedules. He bops him on the top of his head with one of the tickets and Donghae startles.

"Hyung!" Donghae says. "Finally! The last train is almost here."

"Yeah," Jongwoon says. "I don’t know why we're doing this, Hae. The next train won't be until 5:00 A.M. tomorrow and we're basically ditching our family and to do what? Watch some fireworks that we also have here."

"They're not just any fireworks, though, hyung," Donghae protests with a pout. "They're special fireworks."

"How are they special again?"

Donghae blushes. "They're supposed to bring you luck and happiness in the New Year."

A pause. "Oh. Is this about that soulmate thing again?"

Donghae gives him a strange look before shaking his head and latching onto his arm.

"Never mind that, hyung. Anyway, I'm hungry. Let's go eat while we wait?"

Jongwoon sighs as he lets himself get dragged along. He should really learn to say no sometimes.

—

They sit close together in a mostly deserted train, Donghae a warm weight against Jongwoon's side, head pillowed on the older boy's shoulder in his sleep. Jongwoon tries to look away, he really does, tries not to notice the barely visible freckles scattered across the bridge of a delicate nose, the way long eyelashes rest prettily on lower lids, finds himself lifting a hand to brush a stray strand of hair from Donghae's brow instead. Donghae murmurs something that sounds like his name and Jongwoon startles, placing his hand back down on his lap and turning away, heart pounding hard against his chest.

He'd begun feeling a bit strange around Donghae who had, in turn, been especially clingy lately. Jongwoon suspects it has something to do with him graduating in the spring.

_Liar,_ his inner voice says. _You know it is more than that._

A mechanical voice announces their arrival and Jongwoon shakes Donghae awake, relieved at the distraction.

Those were thoughts for another day.

—

"So pretty~"

Jongwoon watches as Donghae runs up the stairs towards what appears to be an aquarium, a fountain with changing lights in front of it. They'd been walking around for a bit, Donghae snapping photos with a cheap disposable camera they'd gotten from a convenience store, and Jongwoon is honestly a bit tired from all the walking. He adjusts his grip on his backpack filled with trinkets from some stalls they passed by, the Charmander plushie he'd won for Donghae from a clamp machine tucked under one of his arms.

If Jongwoon allows himself to think about it, it actually feels a bit too much like one of those cliché dates in all those shoujo manga Heechul would deny reading. He sighs as he approaches Donghae who looks past the fountain at the aquarium wistfully.

"It's closed," Jongwoon points out and Donghae startles.

"Right," Donghae says sheepishly. "There's no way I'm convincing you to sneak in there with me, is there?"

Jongwoon frowns. "No," he says sternly. "We're already going to be in so much trouble when we get back. I don't think you're omma will be too happy when you tell her I helped you trespass."

Donghae shrugs, smiling cheekily. "Well, it was worth a try. Hey, look! They have taiyaki! Wait for me at the bench over there. I'll get us some."

Jongwoon could barely get a word in before Donghae is zooming towards the stall, could only shake his head at the amount of energy the other had. He does as he is told, making his way towards the bench Donghae had pointed out. The younger boy comes back in record time holding two bags of the fish-shaped snack. Donghae hands one bag to him, comfortingly warm and Jongwoon allows himself to enjoy said warmth before taking a bite, even as Donghae sidles up to him. Seriously, if anyone had ever told him he'd spend the last New Year's Eve of his high school life with Donghae in Seoul eating taiyaki while watching fountain lights, he would've told them they'd been watching too many dramas.

They eat their taiyaki in a comfortable silence for a while until Donghae breaks it by suddenly standing in front of him, making Jongwoon look up at him. Snow had started falling and the sight of Donghae's flushed cheeks with snowflakes in his hair against the dancing fountain lights makes Jongwoon's breath hitch in his throat.

"Promise me," Donghae says, tone serious and cheeks flushed most likely from the cold.

"What?"

"Promise me, hyung," Donghae repeats, still with an earnest expression and were those tears beading at the sides of his eyes? "One day," he continues. "One day, we'll come here again when it's open. We'll come here to see the clownfish and the turtles and to eat taiyaki while watching the fountain lights." A hiccup. "Promise me you’ll spend next New Year’s Eve with me and the one after that and the one after that. Promise me you won't forget.. won’t forget me when you go off to college, that you'll still smile at me and call me and sing to me over the phone when I can't sleep.

"Donghae," Jongwoon says, standing up. "What is this about? Of course, I won't forget you. How could I when…"

"Promise me," Donghae insists, holding out his pinky even as tears start falling down his cheeks and Jongwoon's heart hurts.

He raises his hand, hooks his own pinky around the proffered one, as the fireworks starts signalling the stroke of midnight.

"I promise, Hae," Jongwoon says and means it. “We’ll come visit again, next New Year’s Eve if you want. And I won’t forget. Not you. Never you. Okay?”

“Okay,” Donghae says, and Jongwoon watches as Donghae's face breaks into a smile, making him look even more beautiful and ethereal to Jongwoon.

Jongwoon smiles back and they sit back down, hands still joined, watching the fireworks they came there for.

Luck and happiness for the new year, right?

This was definitely a good start.


	18. Part 18

Jongwoon smiles as he follows Donghae down the undersea tunnel exhibit, watches as the younger man stops every now and then to take photos or to simply marvel at the sight of different fish and other aquatic wildlife, a look of childlike wonder on his impossibly beautiful face. Jongwoon’s hand twitches to snap a photo several times before he gives in, reaching for the disposable film camera he’d bought out of nostalgia — a far cry from Donghae’s professional looking one but it would have to do. He manages to get a few decent shots before Donghae is suddenly turning to him, presumably to point out something interesting, and Jongwoon quickly tries to hide the camera, not sure how Donghae would react to having pictures taken of him without him knowing.

Instead of being annoyed, Donghae’s eyes light up when he sees the disposable camera in Jongwoon’s hands.

“Wow! Hyung! They still make these? How nostalgic!”

Jongwoon blushes. “Yeah, well I didn’t exactly expect to be visiting any places worth taking pictures of today so I wasn’t exactly prepared.” Never mind if most of the photos he had taken so far were not of the sights of the aquarium itself.

Donghae laughs, taking the camera from Jongwoon to examine it. Their fingers brush and Jongwoon jumps at the contact, wonders if it had always felt this way or if it were the ten years of separation that should be blamed.

Oblivious to Jongwoon's inner turmoil, Donghae raises the camera to eye-level and snaps a photo of him. Jongwoon blinks against the flash, wonders how that picture would turn out, wishing he didn't look like an idiot.

Donghae laughs and Jongwoon realizes he's said his thoughts out loud.

"That's actually one of the charms of using film as a medium, hyung. You take the pictures but, in the end, sometimes the pictures end up being beyond what you expect. Here." And suddenly, he is slinging an arm around Jongwoon's shoulders, pulling the older man down and close to him, heads almost touching and Jongwoon forgets to breathe even as Donghae expertly pushes the button to take their picture. A flash and Donghae is pulling away, handing the camera back to Jongwoon with a smile.

"Here, hyung. Just like we used to do back then. Do give me a copy when you get them developed."

And just like that, he runs off to the next section, leaving Jongwoon disoriented. It embarrassingly takes Jongwoon more than a minute to recover, has to actually jog to catch up to Donghae who had by then exited the section and gone on to see the turtles.

—

They have coffee at the aquarium's coffee shop, quaint and homey with none of the frantic activity of chain coffee shops. Jongwoon snaps another photo of Donghae as he looks through the menu in front of him, his formal suit contrasting nicely with the upholstery of the booth they are sitting at and for the first time, Jongwoon wishes he'd dressed up properly.

He tells Donghae this, only to get another laugh.

"What do you mean, hyung?" Donghae says, eyes practically dancing with amusement. "You look great."

Jongwoon rolls his eyes, looks down at his menu. "Please. My concept for today is a mishmash of thrift-store and laundry-day clothing. Definitely far from your level of couture."

"You still look handsome though," he hears and Jongwoon snaps his head up to find Donghae nonchalantly signalling for someone to take their order as though he hadn't said anything.

They spend most of their meal looking through the photos Donghae had taken and taking new ones, Jongwoon wondering all the while if he just imagined hearing what he did.

—

Jongwoon loses his newly-bought jacket during the sea lion exhibition Donghae had practically dragged him to watch. A young girl had wandered too near the no-splash zone and was instantly drenched, to her mother's consternation, that Jongwoon immediately took pity on her and handed her his jacket. Donghae watches him with an unreadable expression and it is only then that Jongwoon remembers what he was wearing underneath the jacket.

"It was laundry day, okay?" Jongwoon says, fighting off the blush as Donghae keeps staring at him. "It was either this or that floral Hawaiian shirt Heechul-hyung got me for my birthday." At that point, he was actually considering that the second was the better option.

Donghae says nothing and goes back to his popcorn. He keeps stealing glances at Jongwoon the entire show though but Jongwoon is too tired to call him out for it.

—

Jongwoon sneezes when they get to the jellyfish exhibit, rubbing at his bare arms. Donghae offers him his suit jacket which he refuses, not wanting to feed his already delusional thoughts. They find an empty spot in the darkness to sit down and watch the changing lights as the jellyfish swim to the rhythm of classical music. It was an extremely soothing sight and Jongwoon finds himself relaxing against the wall, camera forgotten in favor of immersing himself in the experience. A brush of cloth against his bare arm and he looks beside him to find Donghae leaning against him, eyes still fixed on the dancing jellyfish with an almost wistful expression on his face, tears beading at the side of his eyes.

Jongwoon is about to ask if something is wrong when Donghae suddenly speaks.

“Hyung, have you ever wondered how it would be like to be a jellyfish?”

Jongwoon blinks, wondering what had prompted the sudden question. Donghae seems serious about it though and Jongwoon knows better than to laugh it off, has always taken everything Donghae has ever said to him seriously, no matter how whimsical.

“Ah,” he finally says, going back to watching the jellyfish. “I can’t say I have. I read somewhere that they actually have no brains, though, and that every movement, no matter how pretty, is involuntary.”

“And a heart?” Donghae asks, still not looking at Jongwoon, still watching the jellyfish get swept away by the artificial current. “Do you think they have them, hyung?”

Jongwoon frowns, wondering where this conversation was going. He decides to be honest though and says, “No, Hae. I don’t think they have hearts either but maybe it’s for the best. After all…”

Jongwoon trails off when Donghae looks at him then, surprise replacing sadness and it is only then that he realizes his misstep.

“You called me ‘Hae,’” Donghae says in wonder, making it impossible for Jongwoon to deny.

Thankfully, he is saved by an announcement over the intercom that the aquarium would be closing in fifteen minutes. Jongwoon and Donghae wordlessly gather their things and walk towards the exit.

—

They book separate Ubers home this time, Donghae having received a message from Hyukjae that he would, after all, be coming home that night. Jongwoon looks at everywhere but Donghae as they wait, somehow feeling the weight of that weird conversation they had in front of the jellyfish exhibit.

A car stops in front of them and Donghae pockets his phone, smiling at Jongwoon strangely.

“I guess this is my ride, hyung,” Donghae says, still smiling. “Thank you for spending the afternoon with me.” And then he bows, bows of all things, and it is so strange that Jongwoon finds himself moving before he could stop himself.

“Donghae-ah,” Jongwoon says, clasping the younger man’s upper arm, lets go only when Donghae looks at him in surprise, flounders for what to say.

“The photos,” he finally settles on. “I’ll let you know when I get them developed.” A pause. “And I… I had fun spending the afternoon with you.”

And if this were a romance drama or a shoujo manga, this would have been the point when the couple would finally kiss at the end of their date under the sparkling lantern lights, an emotional OST playing in the background. But this wasn’t a drama or a manga — Jongwoon doubts theirs would even count as a love story in any sense — so he just steps back, smiling, and allows Donghae to get on the car that would take him home to where he truly belongs.


	19. Part 19

Jongwoon holds off on having the photos developed, diving headfirst into work and DVDs and social events that he’d normally try to find a way to get out of, refuses to think of the day at the aquarium and the feeling it left him, especially after that strange conversation about the jellyfish. It helps that Donghae seemed to have forgotten about it as well. There has been nothing but silence from the younger man’s end since that day and Jongwoon finds himself feeling both worried and relieved — worried that he’d done something to warrant the avoidance, relieved that he wouldn’t be forced to confront whatever it is that was going on between them, even if, as always, it was all just in his head.

“Hae,” he had called Donghae and he’s not sure if it were just habit — a slip of the tongue rather than that of the heart, doesn’t know which would be worse, actually.

Kyuhyun tosses a small paper ball in his direction and it is only when it lands in his open mouth that Jongwoon realizes he’s spaced out yet again. He spits the paper ball out, glaring at Kyuhyun who just shoulders his bag with a knowing smile.

“It’s 5:00, hyung. You can stop pretending to work now.”

“Huh?”

“You’ve been spacing out since after lunch. I mean, more than usual.” A concerned look. “Are you sure you’re okay, hyung?”

Jongwoon sighs, forces a smile. “Yeah. Just feeling a bit under the weather, I guess. Maybe I should call it a day.”

Kyuhyun raises a brow. “You think? Hyung, it’s Friday. Give yourself a break. I don’t know why you’ve been working so hard lately.”

Jongwoon shrugs, turning off his laptop and starting to pack up. “Really? I haven’t noticed. Anyway, you go on ahead. I might drop by HR to get some forms.”

“Oh, do you plan to go on leave?"

Jongwoon shrugs. "I don't know yet. Maybe I will towards the end of the year."

Kyuhyun smiles. "Oh? Finally going on that Europe trip you've been saving up for?"

"Maybe. If the timing is right. Who knows." Another shrug. "Now scram, you brat! I know you've been bored too. That the only way you could have known I've been spacing out."

Kyuhyun laughs. "Right. Have a nice weekend, hyung. Hopefully it’ll be as nice as your weekend at the aquarium." And with one last wink, Kyuhyun disappears behind the sliding door before Jongwoon could throw a paper ball at him in retaliation.

—

Jongwoon walks towards the elevator, distractedly trying to slip the forms he got into his back. He'd have to look through his schedule over the weekend to determine when would be the best time to take his leave, isn't looking where he is going when he barrels into someone.

"Oh, god. I'm so sorry. I wasn't… Donghae…" He trails off, rubs his eyes and blinks several times just to be sure because standing in front of him in a plain white shirt and jeans was none other than the person who had been plaguing his thoughts for the past week.

"Jongwoon-hyung," Donghae says, face brightening up with a smile when he realizes who bumped into him.

"What… why are you doing here?"

Donghae shrugs, still smiling. "Heechul-hyung asked me to bring some documents over for their wedding prep. How about you, hyung?" He asks, eyeing Jongwoon's bag. "Are you done for the day?"

Jongwoon looks away, concentrating on slipping the forms into his bag, trying to buy himself time. If he said yes, wouldn't that be practically asking for an invitation to dinner? Or maybe he was just being presumptuous. A sigh, before he turns to Donghae with a smile, opting for the safer route.

"Yeah, but I think I'll be dropping by the mall before going home. "  
  
"Oh?" Donghae asks, tilting his head to the side. "What for?"

Jongwoon flounders. Why did this conversation suddenly feel like some weird chess match where one wrong move could cost him everything.

"Uhm… that is… the pictures! Yeah! I've been meaning to get the pictures we took last Sunday developed but just couldn't find the time to."

"Really, hyung?" Donghae says, smile widening. "I think I still might have some spare solution in my studio back at home. Do you want me to do it for you?"

And Jongwoon makes the mistake of looking into Donghae's eyes at that very moment, practically sparkling with excitement, and, just like a million times before, finds himself saying yes to something he knows he would regret later on.

—

They buy some take out and coffee on the way to Donghae's apartment, which Jongwoon soon discovers is in some upscale area practically on the other side of the city from his own humble apartment. Jongwoon marvels at the ease with which Donghae navigates the Friday night crowd as he follows behind, feeling a bit awkward in his suit and office shoes when they reach the more trendy spots. He lets out the breath he didn’t know he was holding when they finally reach Donghae's building, going through almost five levels of security, before Donghae is finally opening the door to his apartment and leading Jongwoon in.

_His and Hyukjae's_ , Jongwoon has to remind himself, looking around at the sparsely decorated apartment, its bareness marred only by random photographs of the couple out on vacation or dressed up for an occasion. Jongwoon’s gaze lingers though on the guitar on the white leather couch at the far side of the living room as well as several pieces of paper scattered in front of an open laptop.

"I was composing before Heechul-hyung called me," Donghae says when he notices where Jongwoon is staring, placing their food and coffee on the counter and taking out the containers.

"You still compose?" Jongwoon asks, looking at him.

Donghae hums noncommittally. "Sometimes, yes. When the mood strikes."

"But I thought you said you teach dance to kids during the weekend."

Donghae laughs. "I do that too."

"And photography?"

"Another hobby. Sometimes some people ask to use my photos for a fee and I let them."

Jongwoon lets out a low whistle, looking around the lavish apartment once again. "Wow. You really must be living your dream, after all."

"Am I?" Donghae whispers, barely audible over the whirr of the air conditioner, and there is something strange in the other’s tone that Jongwoon has to turn around and look at him, wonders if it were his place to ask.

"Where's Hyukjae?" he settles on asking instead and Donghae gives him another of those strange smiles that were slowly becoming familiar to Jongwoon.

"Away," Donghae simply says. "The tour he's directing with Shindong-hyung got extended."

"Oh," Jongwoon says. "That's great." A pause. "It's good news, isn't it?"

"I guess," Donghae says, before holding out his hand.

Jongwoon blinks at it.

"The film, hyung," Donghae says. "Let me set it while you heat up our food."

"Oh," Jongwoon says. "Okay." Rummages through his things until he finds the roll he'd thankfully thrown into his bag that morning on a whim. "Here you go," he says, handing it over, only to break out into cold sweat when he realizes what it contained.

"Uhm, Donghae… You really don't have to… I mean, it's kind of embarrassing to have a professional like you look at my photos and I could have the photos developed somewhere else after all."

Donghae just laughs at him. "Nonsense, hyung. I'm sure they'll turn out great," he says, before disappearing into a room.

"And that's exactly what I'm afraid of," Jongwoon groans as he places his bag down and proceeds to prepare their dinner as requested.

—

They settle on Donghae's couch to have dinner, Jongwoon finally relaxing enough to shrug out of his suit jacket. Donghae puts on a random variety show and they spend their dinner watching it, laughing together in between bites of orange chicken and spicy squid. It is only when Donghae goes to bring their plates and other utensils to the kitchen, waving off Jongwoon's offers to help clean up, that Jongwoon happens to glance once again at the music sheets still littered on one side of the couch. Curious, he picks one up, finds himself humming the notes.

"That one's unfinished," Donghae says and Jongwoon jumps, embarrassed at being caught snooping around. "I've been working on it since I was enlisted."

Jongwoon blinks. The topic of enlistment has never really come up in their recent conversations.

"The melody…" Jongwoon says carefully. "It's beautiful, if a bit sad and full of pain. It actually hurts a bit just listening to it.”

Donghae shrugs, sitting back down beside Jongwoon, peering at the music sheet.

"Does it?" he asks, sounding genuinely curious. "I wrote it while watching rain fall over the part of the city where I wasn't."

“It does,” Jongwoon confirms, not looking away from the music sheet. "This is in a different key than your usual range though."

"Oh, that’s not for me to sing."

“Really?” Jongwoon says, still looking at the notes. “I mean, you could tweak it here, and here, and I think it’ll work for your voice. Donghae-ah, you know, now that I think about it, you really could have made it as a celebrity — an idol perhaps, or an actor, especially with those looks."

"Hyung, that's the first time you've ever complimented me about my looks."

Jongwoon stiffens.

"Is it?" he asks, still refusing to look at Donghae, hoping his voice doesn’t betray him. "I've always said you were cute, haven’t I?”

"And now?" Donghae asks in a strange tone and suddenly he is too close, close enough that Jongwoon could count his eyelashes when he looks up and finds himself staring into those expressive brown eyes.

"Beautiful," Jongwoon finds himself whispering before he could stop himself, breath fanning against Donghae’s lips, and it is only when he sees those eyes widen in surprise that he realizes his slip up.

“Hyung,” Donghae says but it is too late as Jongwoon starts gathering his things without looking at him.

“I… I’m sorry, Donghae-ah. I just remembered… I have to… uhm… feed my neighbor’s… uhm, cat. Yes, my neighbor’s cat. Uhm, thank you for dinner and coffee and… uhm, sorry, I have to go.” Practically runs towards the door, heart pounding, doesn’t even think of looking back.

Had he done so, he would have seen Donghae reach out for him still with that strange expression and something akin to the longing Jongwoon himself felt in those eyes he loved so much —though if even that would have changed Jongwoon’s mind and made him stay, no one could ever know.


	20. Part 20

It takes almost another week before Jongwoon hears from Donghae again — another week filled with long hours and sleepless nights and oh-my-god-what-if-he-suspects-how-could-I-fuck-up-so bad. Jongwoon honestly doesn’t know what came over him then, wishes he’d gotten beer instead of coffee just so he’d at least have the excuse of being drunk. Sure, it was a normal compliment and, on hindsight, Donghae had practically fished for it, but somehow, in Jongwoon’s mind, he had practically made a pass at the younger man and oh god, what if he figured out the feelings Jongwoon has tried to hide for so long.

All Jongwoon’s worries are dispelled somewhat when Donghae next sends him pictures of two movie tickets with a casual “Hyung, are you free?”

Jongwoon blinks, reads and re-reads the message which didn’t have the accusing tone nor was the request for an explanation that he had been dreading.

“Hyung?” Donghae sends again when he just stares at his phone. “Are you there? Come on, don’t leave me on ‘seen’.”

Jongwoon sighs, deciding to be honest, takes a picture of the clothes he is sorting and sends it in reply.

“I’m doing laundry,” Jongwoon types, torn between relief and exasperation at how he’d been losing sleep over Donghae possibly finding out about his feelings all week long and now here they were talking about such mundane things as laundry of all things.

The “…” appears several times before Donghae settles on, “Oh? Do you want me to help you with it?” and Jongwoon just rolls his eyes.

“Just how bored are you?” he asks, careful to keep the conversation light and friendly, unlike their face-to-face conversations that somehow always ended up charged with something Jongwoon hasn’t figured out yet.

“Hyukkie’s working again and we were supposed to watch that movie together,” Donghae says and Jongwoon feels his good mood drain away.

Of course that’s the reason Donghae’s even asking. What did he expect?

_Why are you letting him do this to you? You’re not a goddamn replacement,_ the part of Jongwoon that still hung on to his pride says, annoyed. _Neither are you his babysitter. Let him look elsewhere for company._

_But you’re his friend and it’s normal for friends to hang out,_ the logical part of Jongwoon’s brain points out. _Besides, you should be grateful he still thinks of you as one after your slip ups._

Jongwoon sighs, wondering if having whole conversations with himself is a sign that he should go out more.

“Oh,” Donghae sends when Jongwoon doesn’t respond. “And I also have those pictures from the aquarium.”

That gets Jongwoon’s attention, has him breaking into a cold sweat, heart racing. So Donghae has seen…

“They turned out quite well…” Donghae continues, seems to hesitate before sending the question that has Jongwoon hitting his head repeatedly in frustration. “But hyung, why are most of them of me?”

—

Jongwoon sighs as he waits outside the movie theater. It’s been years since he’s been to one, preferring to watch movies in the comfort of his own home but he felt he had to show up this time, just to make the casual “I was actually taking pictures of the displays next to you and missed” excuse he’d given Donghae seem a bit more believable.

He looks at the ad box for the movie he and Donghae were about to watch, brightly lit in the dim lighting of this part of the mall, and frowns.

It was another soulmate movie and sure, the Donghae he knew was always a sucker for movies like this but it’s just surprising that Donghae would still be interested in them at this point when he should be practically living one. The title intrigues Jongwoon, though. Parallel Lines. What a unique title for a soulmate movie. He racks his brain for what little math he could remember and frowns. Weren’t parallel lines two straight lines that kept going in the same direction infinitely? Lines that would never meet or intersect? If so, wasn’t that a depressing concept for a soulmate movie and an even odder choice to see on a date with one’s soulmate?

He jumps when he feels something thump him on the shoulder, whirls around to find Donghae casually dressed in a hoodie and track pants. He holds a packet out to Jongwoon who just blinks at him.

“Donghae? When did you get here?”

Donghae laughs, and Jongwoon’s treacherous heart skips a beat at the sound he’d thought he wouldn’t have the chance to hear again.

“Not too long ago,” the younger man says, a teasing glint in his eyes. “Just in time to catch the beginning of your staring contest with that ad box. Really, hyung, what did it do to you for you to glare at it like that?”

“I wasn’t glaring,” Jongwoon says defensively, tears his gaze away from Donghae and pretends to look into the packet at the photos.

“Oh, I made my own copies of some, by the way. I hope you don’t mind. At least, those that had you in them anyway.”

“Really?” Jongwoon asks, peering at him. “I’m surprised you want pictures of this face.”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Donghae asks sounding genuinely curious. “It’s your face. Anyway, we better go get our popcorn now. We only have fifteen minutes before the show starts.” He then takes a hold of Jongwoon’s hand, locking their arms together, and pulls him towards the snack station, leaving Jongwoon no time to even think of the other’s cryptic answer to his question.

—

They make it to their seats just in time before the opening credits start rolling, each with their own bucket of popcorn and drinks. Donghae had also gotten them some hotdogs since he apparently skipped lunch though Jongwoon thinks maybe he was just finding an excuse to make Jongwoon eat more after they’d talked about some diet he went on three years back. After all, he knew Donghae to be bit of a light eater like himself and the same doesn’t seem to have changed.

They watch the movie in silence. It was actually a bit more depressing than Jongwoon expected. The soulmates in the movie actually did meet through their art though it is later revealed that that was a fluke — they shouldn’t have because it only ended with them making each other unhappy and ruining each other’s passion for art. It was a novel concept, if a bit unorthodox, and Jongwoon couldn’t help but applaud the writers and director of the film. Jongwoon doesn’t personally know any soul-marked who found their soulmate but still ended up unhappy but hey, maybe it was just one of the things that always got glossed over in the overall soulmate narrative just like them blanks. The couple ends up agreeing to live their separate lives just as they were meant to, but still moving forward in the same direction towards their goals as artists, and somewhere between the tearful dialogue and kiss goodbye, Jongwoon hears a sniffle to his left, couldn’t help but smile when he sees Donghae tearing up, eyes glued on the screen while trying to wipe at his tears using the napkins they got from the snack station. That couldn’t have been comfortable so Jongwoon takes out a thankfully unused handkerchief and hands it to him.

Donghae blinks when he finds a handkerchief suddenly in front of his face but takes it anyway, wiping his eyes and blowing his nose several times on it. He tries to hand it back to Jongwoon who just ignores him while sipping on his drink and pretending to be engrossed in the goodbye scene as the heart-wrenching rock ballad OST plays in the background.

The movie ends sooner than either of them expects and Jongwoon leads a still sniffling Donghae to the exit. He wonders if Donghae still has time to go for coffee — there were points in the movie that Jongwoon had wanted to discuss — but he forgets everything when he sees the thoughtful, almost sad expression on Donghae’s face. He brings the younger man to the nearby park instead, just in time to watch the sun set on the lake, buys two cups of ice cream and holds one against Donghae’s cheek.

Donghae yelps when he feels the sudden coldness against his skin, pouts when he realizes where it comes from. He still takes the ice cream cup though and smiles when he sees it’s his favorite.

“Hyung,” Donghae says. “You remembered.”

Jongwoon stiffens, shrugs as casually as he could.

“I just guessed,” he lies while opening his own salted caramel one. “Pistachio is quite a trendy flavor these days.”

They eat their ice cream, neither saying a word after that, until the silence becomes too much for Jongwoon and he asks, ”Donghae-ah, is everything alright?”

Donghae sighs, seems to be contemplating his answer.

“I don’t know, hyung,” he finally says. “The movie… I guess it just hit a nerve.”

“Oh?”

A nod.

“I mean, I know I shouldn’t be complaining to you of all people and that couple in the movie really had it rough but somehow, they reminded me of… Hyung, Hyukjae and I… we’re supposed to be soulmates right? And doesn’t finding your soulmate mean you get to be happy with that person for the rest of your life? After all, that’s what they all say but then the movie…”

“Donghae,” Jongwoon says, doesn’t really know what that statement, that confession was supposed to make him think or say or feel, just knows that this is the first time Donghae has ever confided in him any sort of hurt even counting the years they knew each other when they were younger, wishes he could do something to ease the younger man’s pain, ends up saying instead, “Hae, don’t worry. It’s just a movie. And yes, Hyukjae is your soulmate. Isn’t it his name that’s written on your left wrist?”

“But what if the universe made a mistake, hyung? What if we’re just like those soulmates in the movie and weren’t supposed to…”

“Donghae,” Jongwoon says, surprising the both of them by taking Donghae’s trembling hands in his and looking him straight in the eyes. “Hyukjae is your soulmate and you are happy with him. It may not always be like what people tell you having a soulmate feels like — all sunshine and rainbows and cotton candy sprinkles — and I don’t know how it goes for you soul-marked but for us blanks, loving someone and being happy with them… it’s always a choice and, in the end, being together is the sum total of the choices you make daily to love each other.”

Silence, nothing but the sound of each other’s breath and Jongwoon starts wondering when they’d started breathing in sync when Donghae averts his gaze, looking at their clasped hands instead and whispers, “But am I, though?”

Jongwoon frowns. “Are you what, Hae?”

“Am I… really happy?”

Donghae looks up then and suddenly, everything makes sense to Jongwoon — all the strange expressions and cryptic remarks and Donghae seeking out his company.

“Am I happy, hyung?” Donghae asks again and Jongwoon finds that he doesn’t know what to say to that.


	21. Part 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One element of this and the next chapter has been borrowed from/inspired by a part of this chapter of the fanfic “No Show Fee” by yumeyana on LJ: https://quilled-dreams.livejournal.com/45346.html)
> 
> YeHae was a minor pair in that fic and unrequited but that part made such an impression on me. Sadly, the fic hasn’t been updated since 2010 😔

Donghae starts receiving sunflowers towards the end of summer — a single long-stemmed sunflower everyday delivered to their apartment’s reception desk without any mark or tag or note, wrapped in simple wrapping paper and tied off neatly with a small bow. It wasn’t the work of any of the flower shops Donghae knew, at least not any of the shops he goes to when he gets sentimental and suddenly wants to surprise Hyukjae. He rarely gets flowers back though — Hyukjae was a really frugal person who liked to show his love through small, practical gestures and such simple things like going on amusement park dates, though at least he’d gotten Donghae a fruit bouquet once or twice. Yes, his Hyukjae, though quite the romantic, preferred simple, straightforward displays so this entire sunflower-a-day thing just wasn’t his soulmate’s style — a bit too orchestrated yet subtly grandiose and something Donghae doubts he could even arrange considering how tight his schedule has become. The first few times, he thought it had been a mistake but the receptionist informed him that the gentleman who left it always specifically said it was for “Mr. Lee Donghae of Unit 404” and Donghae didn’t know of any other “Mr. Lee Donghae of Unit 404” than himself.

Donghae sighs, resting his head on arms folded on their dining table. He finds himself eating breakfast alone after waking up to find Hyukjae’s side of the bed empty once again, wonders if it would be too selfish to wish for something to happen — a cancelled flight, inclement weather, someone getting sick — anything to have the concert Hyukjae is working on cancelled or at least moved back just so he could actually spend more than a couple of hours a night with his other half.

And not for the first time, Donghae finds himself thinking of the conversation he had with Jongwoon two weeks ago in the park. He… really did lose it then, somehow — let all the anxiety and worry and stress and loneliness that he didn’t even know had piled up get the better of him with him ending up sobbing against Jongwoon after he’d asked the question that had been plaguing him for almost ten years.

_Am I really happy, hyung?_

The older man said nothing, just held him when he finally broke down without any comment or judgment and Donghae marvels at the other’s ability to know exactly what he needs even now. He hadn't heard from Jongwoon since then, though, which wasn't really strange all things considered but sometimes Donghae would find himself staring at his phone for hours, half of him wishing he'd get at least a message from the other man while the other half wonders if it would make him seem too clingy to ask Jongwoon if he wants to hang out again.

He reaches out a hand to the vase containing the three sunflowers that hadn’t wilted yet, finger tracing a single yellow petal, lost in thought.

He is interrupted in his musings by the sound of their home phone ringing. Lazily, he forces himself to stand up and walk towards the living room, yawns before picking up.

“Hello,” he greets.

“Good morning, Mr. Lee,” a pleasant voice says. “It’s Eunbi from the reception. A package has just been dropped off for you.” A pause and Donghae could hear the teasing tone in the receptionist’s voice. “It’s your daily sunflower from a secret admirer.”

A flash of memory and Donghae’s heartbeat quickens. He takes a gamble. “Oh? Is the person who left it still there?”

“Yes, Sir. He’s just leaving as we speak. Hello? Sir?”

Donghae is out the door even before she finishes.

—

Donghae is panting and out of breath, the white tracksuit he luckily was already wearing when he got the call in disarray by the time he reaches the lobby.

“Where is he?” he asks Eunbi, who just blinks at him and hands him his sunflower and gestures towards the sliding doors.

“That’s him, Sir. The one who just stepped out.”

Donghae’s eyes widen and he sprints towards the door, drawing curious glances from fellow residents. He steps out of their building, looking around frantically, relieved to find just one person walking leisurely down the path towards the gate.

Donghae approaches the person, hesitates before calling out.

"Uhm, excuse me."

The person turns around and Donghae's face falls when he finds that person to be an elderly man looking at him with curious eyes and not the kind, gentle ones of the person he expected.

"Oh, hello there," the old man says in response. "Fine weather we're having today, isn't it?" A glance at the sunflower in his hands. "Oh, so you're that person's Mr. Lee Donghae. It's nice to finally meet you, Sir."

Donghae frowns. "'That person'?"

The old man nods, smiling toothily at him. "Yes. There was this young man that suddenly stopped in front of my humble stall on Monday last week. He seemed to have a lot on his mind, was actually muttering to himself when I approached him — something about it not being worth it and the possibility of a certain person not remembering. 'Sir,' I asked him. 'What gives you trouble on this fine day?' He looked at me, as if surprised to actually find someone manning the stall, said that he was thinking of doing something for a friend who needed cheering up. He wanted sunflowers, he said, a dozen or so, but really didn't have the money to buy them all at once, so we came up with this arrangement." A knowing smile. "Should I tell him his gifts have been well received the next time he passes by?"

Donghae looks up from where he'd been staring at the sunflower in his hand, suddenly finding himself choking up with emotion, tears beading at the side of his eyes when the old man’s story confirms who it is from. He laughs. Of course, of course it couldn’t be anyone but…

Donghae smiles at the old man. "No. No, thank you, Mister. I think I'll tell him that myself." He bows to him. "Have a nice day."

The old man bows back before going on his way and Donghae picks up his phone and calls the number he's been wanting to for the past two weeks.

Jongwoon picks up after only two rings, muttering a distracted "hello."

“They’re not working,” Donghae says by way of greeting.

"Donghae?" The familiar soft, raspy voice sounds confused even through the static and Donghae laughs.

"They're not working, hyung," he repeats, can't remember smiling this much and this long for the past two weeks. “The tracking devices you’ve been sending me. They’re not working.” A pause. “I guess we have to go look for aliens ourselves again, don't we, Jongwoon-hyung?"


	22. Memories: End of Summer

“Aliens?” Jongwoon asked, looking up from where he was reading some manga. It was the last day of summer vacation before his last year in high school and he was spending it helping Donghae with his Korean language homework.

“Yes, hyung,” Donghae said, shoving a copy of the local newspaper under Jongwoon’s nose, making the older boy’s eyes cross when he attempts to read it from up close. “Says here that a meteorite crashed somewhere in the Cho property. But you know what I think, hyung?”

“What?”

“It isn’t just a meteorite.”

Jongwoon frowned and put down his manga, already had gotten used to the younger boy’s sudden flights of fancy though dealing with them was another matter altogether.

“So, aliens?” Jongwoon asked and Donghae’s eyes sparkled.

“Exactly, hyung! I knew you’d understand.”

Jongwoon was about to ask what he supposedly understood when Donghae was suddenly by his side and pulling him up.

“Come on. We still have time.”

Jongwoon yelped in surprise but let himself be pulled up and along.

“Where are we going?” he asked and Donghae turned to him then, angelic features hilighted by the afternoon sun.

“Exploring, hyung,” Donghae had said, smile bright and eyes dancing. “Let’s go meet those aliens.”

—

They sneaked into the Cho property, one of the biggest yet least guarded in their small town. The only heir had migrated and left the property to an elderly caretaker who lived in the main house. Jongwoon shook his head as he followed Donghae farther in, wondering if and when he’d ever learn to say no to the other.

“Hyung, this way,” Donghae called excitedly, running back to him and taking his arm to pull him in the direction of the sunflower field. “The paper says the meteorite landed around that part and oh…”

They came to a stop at the top of a small hill and Jongwoon got a couple of seconds to catch his breath only to have it taken away again when he saw the view in front of them.

It was the end of summer and yet late into the season, hundreds and thousands of sunflowers stretched out as far as their eyes could see, a sea of sparkling gold against the backdrop of the setting sun.

Jongwoon heard Donghae gasp as the younger boy clung tighter to the arm he was holding, one hand sliding down to take Jongwoon’s hand in his. Jongwoon looked to his side then and found Donghae beaming up at him.

“This is it, hyung. I’m sure we’ll find aliens now.”

Jongwoon felt his heart skip a beat at the beautiful sight — a fluke, surely, because wasn’t this just Donghae, the clingy, cheeky yet well-meaning brat he couldn’t seem to shake off even if he tried? — raised a brow and asked, “Oh? What makes you so sure we’ll find something?”

“Sunflowers,” Donghae answered instantly.

“Sunflowers?”

“Yes, hyung,” Donghae said, looking out on the golden sea. “Wherever there are aliens, there must be sunflowers because that’s what sunflowers do.”

“What? Follow the sun?”

Donghae looked up at Jongwoon then with an unreadable expression, before smiling again. “Yes, hyung, but they do one more thing for aliens.”

“What?”

“They show them the way home.” A laugh. “Now come on, hyung, I think I see a path leading down over there.”

—

They spent the remaining daylight walking through the field of sunflowers, Donghae laughing and skipping in front of Jongwoon. He looked right in his element, a playful child of summer and Jongwoon found himself wishing several times that he’d brought a camera. The last year of high school made Jongwoon think about a lot of things but most of all, he realized that he was going to miss these moments most. Donghae had run on ahead, calling his name every now and then — Hyung, look! Jongwoon-hyung! — and Jongwoon couldn’t help but feel like one of the sunflowers surrounding him, always following the sun but never quite reaching it. Because the sun is warm and bright and beautiful and really, how dare a mere flower think itself worthy of such brilliance.

“Jongwoon-hyung, hurry,” Donghae called again and, just like so many times before, Jongwoon followed because, when it all came down to it, hasn’t Donghae been his sun from the very first day he’d stumbled into Jongwoon’s life?

Jongwoon jumped when he felt a small hand slip into his own and looked up to find Donghae giving him an exasperated yet fond look.

“Aish, hyung,” Donghae said, voice strangely soft. “There you go again getting lost in your own little world. I can’t help but wonder where you go when you zone out like that and sometimes…” A pause. “Sometimes, it actually scares me that you’d get too lost and won’t be able to find your way back.”

Jongwoon blinked, realizing that Donghae was right — he really had stopped in the middle of the field to think — smiled sheepishly at Donghae. “Sorry, I didn’t notice.” A laugh. “Though I guess getting lost in my thoughts is still much better than getting lost in a field potentially full of aliens.” A pause. “Thanks for coming back for me, Hae-ah.”

Donghae laughed in return and Jongwoon’s heart skipped another beat at the sound.

“Silly hyung,” Donghae said. “Didn’t I tell you? Just follow me and you’ll never get lost.”

And Jongwoon’s smile turned sad because somehow, even then, a part of him knew that there would come a time when their summer would end and this lowly sunflower would no longer be able to follow his sun.

They found no aliens that day but, on hindsight, Jongwoon discovers that he’d found something rarer and even more precious then that he wishes he doesn't have to let go of for the rest of his life.


	23. Part 23

They meet up on a Saturday afternoon at the entrance of one of the universities that still had sunflowers blooming on campus according to internet searches. Donghae is dressed in simple jeans and a plain white shirt that made him blend in with the crowd. He spots Jongwoon from afar, sticking out like a sore thumb because of the black and white plaid suit jacket he is wearing over a black shirt and jeans. He holds three long-stemmed sunflowers in one hand and is scrolling through his phone with the other and Donghae’s smile widens, raises his camera to take a photo. Jongwoon looks up just as the shutter goes off, as though sensing someone watching him, smiles when he sees his photographer and Donghae’s heart skips a beat at the beautiful picture. He lowers his camera as Jongwoon approaches.

“Hello, hyung. Looking good. Is it laundry day again?” he asks teasingly.

Jongwoon blushes but doesn’t comment, holds out the flowers to him. “Hello, Donghae-ah.”

Donghae accepts them, still smiling. “And more sunflowers? I mean, I’m happy but you didn’t just pick these off the sunflower garden, did you?”

Jongwoon rolls his eyes. “I’m flattered you think I wouldn’t have gotten lost trying to find it.”

Donghae laughs. “Yeah. I remember Ryu-hyung telling that story of you getting lost on the way back to your dorm when you were in college.”

A couple of college students pass them by, giggling while stealing glances at them, and Jongwoon blushes even harder.

“Why are we here again?”

“Aliens,” Donghae simply says, already taking Jongwoon’s arm and pulling him down what Jongwoon assumed was the right path. “Maybe we’d have better luck finding them here than in the Cho property.”

Jongwoon highly doubts it but doesn’t say so, just allows Donghae to lead the way and tries not to think about tonight.

—

They spend their afternoon just walking around the campus, Donghae having a field day taking pictures after he finally convinces Jongwoon to model for some shots.

“You really look good, hyung,” Donghae says. “Really handsome and stylish, even better than some of the models I’ve seen in magazines.”

Jongwoon frowns, not used to receiving such compliments. “Donghae-ah, if you’re mocking me, I swear…”

Donghae snaps a photo of him mid-tirade, looking satisfied, before showing it to him. “See? Handsome. Especially when you dress up like this.”

“Donghae-ah…”

“Fine, fine. I’ll lay off the compliments just… oh my god, hyung, we’re here.”

Jongwoon looks around and realizes that their wandering has indeed finally led them to what they came for — a garden with several rows of sunflowers shining golden in the afternoon sun. They’ve started wilting though, with a few already having fallen to the ground, and Jongwoon smiles sadly, remembering his thoughts that day they spent looking for aliens in the Cho property. Donghae runs on ahead just like that day, oblivious to Jongwoon's thoughts, and starts taking pictures, sticking the stems of the sunflowers Jongwoon had given him in a belt loop. Jongwoon takes out his phone to snap several pictures of his own, wanting to commit the scene to memory, knowing that it might have to be their last.

They spend some more time walking through the rows of sunflowers, talking and reminiscing and taking pictures, until the sun starts to set and Donghae finally works up the nerve to ask.

"Hey, Jongwoon-hyung," Donghae says while adjusting his lens for a shot. "I know I only asked you out for the afternoon but I was wondering if you'd mind coming with me to dinner. I got two invites to this busking event and…"

"I can't," Jongwoon says and there is something strange in Jongwoon's tone that makes Donghae straighten up, turn around and look at him.

"Hmm?"

“I’m sorry, Hae," Jongwoon repeats. "I can't go."

"Oh? " Donghae blinks, tries to hide his disappointment by teasing. "Do you have somewhere else to be? A date, perhaps?"

Donghae waits for the sputtering denial that he usually gets every time he would suggest that Jongwoon is seeing someone but this time, all he gets is an awkward silence. He looks up to find Jongwoon looking at him with an unreadable expression and the teasing smile dies on his face.

"You are?" he finds himself asking and Jongwoon looks away, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Uhm, yeah. Heechul-hyung set me up on a blind date with one of his friends and I just couldn't say no." A pause. "I'm meeting her at 7:00 so if you want to, we can grab a quick coffee and…"

"You can't," Donghae says and Jongwoon trails off, looking at him questioningly.

"I… can't? What do you mean I can't?" Jongwoon asks, genuinely confused, and Donghae stops himself before he blurts out the first words that come to mind. He takes a deep breath, forces his hands that he discovers he’s clenched into fists to relax, before looking up with a smile that doesn't reach his eyes.

"I mean you can't, hyung — go out for coffee, that is. It’s your first date and it's important to make a good impression by not being late, right?"

"Donghae-ah…"

"Ah, I guess you better get going then," Donghae proclaims loudly, hoping his voice doesn’t sound as shaken as he feels. "I'll stay to take some more pictures for my portfolio before heading home. Have fun on your date, hyung. Fighting!"

Jongwoon looks at him for a while before returning his smile. "Okay, and thank you. I'm going. Take care, Donghae-ah. Send me a message when you get home."

Donghae nods. "I will. Now scram, hyung. I've got work to do."

Jongwoon nods back before turning around and walking away.

Donghae watches the older man's retreating back for a while before going back to his camera, takes a picture of rows and rows of wilting sunflowers against the setting sun and wishes for Jongwoon’s happiness, even as tears start falling down his cheeks.

If only he knew why.


	24. Part 24

Jongwoon fidgets in his seat, the uneasy feeling that has been following him since he left Donghae at that field of dying sunflowers still haunting him even as he waits for his date. He had arrived at the restaurant Heechul had booked for them earlier than expected, had to wait a bit before the staff led him to a table for two some ways off to the side of the door. He looks at the time on his phone and for the nth time since he left the university, Jongwoon considers cancelling on his date. He sighs, remembering the number of times he's actually almost turned back on his way here, wanting to just go back and tell Donghae that he’d changed his mind, considered lying about his date cancelling on him and was Donghae still up for coffee and maybe some dinner? Jongwoon’s phone vibrates with a message and he groans as he is reminded of the number one reason he couldn’t just do as he pleased.

Heechul. Jongwoon just knew something was going on when Heechul and Jungsoo asked him out to dinner barely three days after he’d started sending Donghae his daily sunflowers. Not that it was strange for him to go out for meals with the couple. It’s just that said outings are usually spontaneous and never planned, definitely not two days before, so Jongwoon had shown up for dinner at their usual place expecting to be chewed out for something. Which is why it threw him for a loop when the couple didn't say or do anything out of the ordinary for most of their meal. Dinner was actually pleasant all things considered, conversation revolving around the usual topics of work and hobbies and which of their mutual acquaintances just recently got hitched or pregnant or became a parent. They actually made it until dessert when Jungsoo suddenly asked out of the blue, “So, how’s Donghae?”

Jongwoon had frozen mid-bite, before shrugging nonchalantly, trying to play it off. “I don’t know what you mean, hyung. Shouldn’t you and Heechul-hyung know more about how he’s doing than me?”

Jungsoo had sighed and looked over at Heechul, who didn't seem to appreciate Jongwoon's answer, narrowed his eyes and slammed his hands on their table, drawing the attention of the other diners and staff.

“Cut the crap! You know exactly what we’re asking! Damn it, Jongwoon! We know you're in love with Donghae, have been even long before you'd pulled that disappearing act, but fuck, the guy’s taken okay and by his soulmate at that! What part of that don’t you understand?”

Jungsoo reached out to calm his fiancé down then, bowing his head apologetically to the other diners.

Jongwoon sighed, telling himself that losing his temper back would be counterproductive. “Relax, hyung. Of course I know that and it really isn't like that. We’re just picking up where we left off just like you wanted.”

“As friends?”

Jongwoon didn’t answer. Were he and Donghae ever just friends? Jongwoon doesn’t know. It feels as if he’s been in love with Donghae since forever, maybe even since that very first day in the music room. Because Jongwoon had learned early on that there are different forms of love, with not one form being superior over any other, but the thing is, what he feels for Donghae has never really fallen neatly into any particular box — friend or brother or comrade or lover — and to be confronted with that question all of a sudden…

"It isn't like that," he'd repeated instead, hoping that the couple would take it as a sign that the conversation was over, at least on his end.

A sigh.

“Jongwoon,” Heechul says, a lot more calmly. “You know I’ve always been supportive of your feelings, but this time, you know they can only end up hurting you more, right?” A pause. "Why don't you try going out with other people? I have this friend who…"

And that was how Jongwoon came to be waiting in a fancy restaurant on a Saturday night. He checks the time again — his date was already ten minutes late, wonders if that would be enough reason to cancel when he hears his name being called.

"Kim Jongwoon-ssi?" Someone says and he looks up to see a woman smiling at him sheepishly. "You are Kim Jongwoon-ssi, right? Hi, I'm Yuri. Kwon Yuri. Heechul-sunbaenim's friend. I'm so sorry but practice ran late and..."

Jongwoon stares. The woman, Yuri, is beautiful — long silky hair, pretty smile, laughing eyes — and there is something about her that immediately puts Jongwoon at ease. It is only when she looks at him expectantly that he realizes he's been gaping at here like an idiot, immediately stands up to help her to her seat.

"Uhm, hello, Yuri-ssi. Yes, I'm Jongwoon. And yes, you're late but not too late and…"

Yuri laughs and he realizes that he's rambling.

"You're funny, Jongwoon-ssi," Yuri says. "Even funnier than how Heechul-sunbaenim had described you to be."

Jongwoon groans. What exactly did Heechul tell her about him?

"Anyway, I'm really hungry,” Yuri says, saving him from more embarrassment. “Let's order now, shall we?"

—

"And then she said, 'Oh, so you dance, huh? What kind? Classical ballet?' and I was like, 'No, Ma'am. I'm actually in a KPop girl group' and the look on her face I tell you…"

Jongwoon laughs, sipping his beer. He and Yuri had gone to a nearby restaurant after dinner to get more drinks, which Yuri had begun throwing back like a pro the moment they got them. Once they'd got past the initial awkwardness, they realized that they actually had quite a number of things in common — they both liked music, were decidedly home buddies, DC fans, and most importantly, both of them were blanks. Also, Yuri apparently had just dumped the guy she was dating after she was embarrassed before his entire family.

"He was from a traditional family, you know?" Yuri had said, when alcohol had made her loosen up. "Old money, the kind you could trace back to some royal or noble line or something. I don't even know why or how he'd become interested in me but somehow he got my number from a mutual friend and we started messaging each other. Mind you, I didn't know he was loaded then. He said he was a businessman who did charity on the side and really, how could I not fall in love? He was smart and charming and kind and handsome — definitely handsome, though I don't usually tell that to his face, don't want to let it get to his head you know? But his family, damn… his family is the worst! I mean, who cares if I don't have a degree in molecular biology, right? Or if I can't tell paintings from each other?"

Jongwoon had nodded in sympathy and suggested that they take it elsewhere, considering the questioning looks they were receiving when Yuri had begun raising her voice. Yuri had agreed and now they were back to discussing her ex.

"And then he was like, 'I'm sorry, Yul chagi, but I didn't think it mattered' and you know what I did? I grabbed the glass he was holding, threw the water in it on his face, and said, 'Yeah, well, it definitely won't matter from now on because you won’t be seeing me again. It's over. We’re over.'" And Jongwoon stares as Yuri throws back another shot of soju before bursting out crying. "It's over. It's over and I… I want him back. Oh god, do I want him back."

Jongwoon sighs, reaching out to offer a packet of wet tissues to her, which she accepts gratefully, red eyes looking at him pitifully. "I'm so sorry, Jongwoon-ssi. I'm sorry I'm such a mess. I know this isn't how you expected tonight to turn out but…"

Jongwoon smiles at her. "No. I mean, I kind of understand how you feel. Heartbreak isn't that easy to get over that quickly."

"Oh?" Yuri asks, blowing her nose. "Have you been dumped too, Jongwoon-ssi?"

Jongwoon shrugs, taking a drink of his beer. "Not really. It's… my feelings have never been requited, you know?"

"Really? How do you know? Did you try confessing?”

Another shrug. "No. It's kind useless when the person I… they’re soul-marked."

"Oh," Yuri says, understanding. "Tough."

They sit in silence then, nursing their drinks, until Yuri breaks it you.

"Si… the guy I was dating — he's soul-marked too, you know?"

That catches Jongwoon's attention. "Really?"

Yuri nods. "Yeah. He's never met her, though — his soulmate.”

Jongwoon is confused. "Then why did you… Yuri-ssi, weren't you scared of what would happen when he does meet her?"

Yuri shrugs, looking out the window. "I don't know. I really didn't think of it. At that time, it didn't really seem to matter."

"Why?"

Yuri shrugs again. "I fell in love,” she says. "People tend to do stupid things when they’re in love." A sad smile. "Not that it matters anymore."

Silence, though this time, it is Jongwoon who first speaks.

"Do… The person I like found theirs, though."

"What?"

"Their soulmate."

"Ah. That sucks."

"Yeah."

They continue sipping their drinks.

"Hey, Jongwoon-ssi. Us blanks… we really drew the short end of the stick, didn't we?"

Jongwoon doesn't answer, throws back his remaining beer, and orders another round.

—

Jongwoon staggers up three flights of stairs to his apartment, head throbbing and extremely buzzed. Of all the times for the elevator to not be working, it had to be now. He'd gotten Yuri a ride home before getting his own after she insisted that she could manage and wasn't he more drunk than her anyway? Jongwoon smiles. All in all, he had fun on their date. It was refreshing to talk about things with someone who actually understood and didn't judge. Not to mention that Yuri was fairly easy to get along with and they seemed to share the same sense of humor. They'd ended up exchanging numbers somehow, promising to stay in touch, and Jongwoon is glad he hadn't stood her up. He pushes the door to his floor open, rubbing his temples and wondering if he still had some painkillers and Gatorade left over the last time he'd been this drunk, curses when he slips a bit on a puddle — it rained? When did it rain? — and then again when he almost trips over something. Said something groans and Jongwoon is horrified to find that what he'd almost tripped on was a person. He squints at the figure, sees a familiar shirt, and Jongwoon's eyes widen when he realizes that the person slumped again the door to his apartment is a thoroughly drenched Donghae, fast asleep and with an empty bottle of wine in his arms.


	25. Part 25

Donghae walks into the lobby of his apartment building quickly, head bowed and avoiding eye contact to hide his red nose and puffy eyes. He’d had a good cry in the middle of the sunflower field, had found a spot a little off the main path and just stood there, giving up all pretense of taking photos and just let the tears fall, trying to make sense of the strange feeling of loss. It almost felt like the pain he went through when Jongwoon disappeared on him all those years back except that, this time, Donghae knows Jongwoon wouldn’t be going anywhere, would probably still keep Donghae company and go out for dinner with him whenever he could. Of course, there would be less times when Jongwoon actually could and Donghae doesn’t know which one would be worse. It frustrates him even more because for the life of him he still couldn’t figure out why he feels so devastated at hearing what should be happy news. Because of course Donghae wishes for Jongwoon’s happiness — it’s no less than what Jongwoon deserves — but a selfish part of him, the part that inexplicably, irrationally had always wanted to keep Jongwoon all to himself, had almost kept Jongwoon from reaching for said happiness.

“No,” he’d said without thinking, barely kept himself from running after the older man to keep him from walking away and for what?

Donghae rakes a hand through his hair in frustration. Everything becomes more confusing the more he thinks about it and Donghae wishes everything would just suddenly make sense.

_It’s the loneliness_ , he tells himself, settles on the explanation that would least likely shake the foundations of his life. _I’m lonely and Jongwoon-hyung is the only one paying attention to me right now so of course the thought of losing that and being left alone again would be scary._

_But why does it hurt so much though?_ Another part of him counters. _Why does it feel like your entire world is falling apart if all that you want is his company?_

_Because that’s all I could want_ , the first part retorts. _Because that’s all I am allowed to want_ , and Donghae staggers back at the realization. Because Donghae knows Jongwoon would give him anything he asks for and that just wouldn’t be fair to either of them.

Donghae tightens his grip on the three long-stemmed sunflowers in his hand, wonders if Jongwoon had gotten the same for his date, maybe even a bouquet; if Jongwoon would start sending sunflowers daily to that person too now and damn it, why did that thought make him want to cry once again?

He presses the button to his floor with more force than necessary, grateful to have the elevator to himself. He looks up at his reflection on one of the mirrors and could barely recognize himself with how miserable he looked, a far cry from the happy, hopeful person he had been when he and Hyukjae first moved into their dream home.

The elevator doors open sooner than he expects and he drags himself all the way to his and Hyukjae’s apartment, wonders if it’s still too late to get anything for dinner, punches in the access code and opens the door only to be surprised to find the lights on.

Weird. Donghae is so sure he turned everything off before he left. He walks towards the dining table, places the sunflowers in the usual vase, blinks when he finds that the table had been set. He feel familiar hands cover his eyes as a familiar voice cheekily whispers in his ear, “Guess who?”

Donghae quickly turns around. “Hyukkie? But you… Why are you here? Aren’t you supposed to fly out tonight?”

Hyukjae looks sheepish. “Well, our flight’s been cancelled because of the weather and we don’t expect to get another until tomorrow afternoon so… here I am I guess and… Hae? Are you okay? Your eyes… Have you been crying?”

Donghae reaches up unconsciously to wipe at nonexistent tears. “Uh, no. It’s just… allergies… from uhm, pollen. I went out to take pictures of sunflowers, see?”

Hyukjae lets out a sigh of relief, smile a bit exasperated. “Oh, I see. You had me a bit worried there.” A mock frown. “What’s with you and your recent obsession with sunflowers anyway?”

Donghae shrugs, turns around to place his camera in its drawer. “They’re pretty and almost out of season. I just wanted to have some photos of them.”

He feels arms surrounding his waist from behind, a warmth against his back, freezes before he makes himself relax, leans against his soulmate and allows himself to be held.

They stay like that in silence for a while, enjoying each other’s warmth, until Hyukjae kisses his neck and says, “I missed you, chagiya.”

For some reason, the words ring hollow in Donghae’s ears.

—

They sit down for dinner — mostly takeout Hyukjae had gotten from some of their favorite places. They talk about their day as they always do, about projects and work and hey, did you hear Mrs. Jung from 603 finally got divorced? They rarely talk about the future now, at least not as much as when they started out, when both of them seemed to want so much out of life. Now, the closest they come to it is talking about next week’s schedule and Hyukjae talking about his next project — he’d be directing another concert in China, a bigger one and how Shindong was thinking of letting him head this one.

Donghae tries to be happy for Hyukjae, he really does, but loneliness and the feeling of being left behind rears its ugly head once again, makes Donghae suddenly ask out of the blue.

“Hyukkie, do you love me?”

Hyukjae blinks at being interrupted, before smiling and deciding to humor Donghae.

“Of course, Hae-ah,” he says, taking Donghae’s hand in his, rubbing his thumb against its knuckles. “You know I do. What made you…”

“Then marry me,” Donghae says, not waiting for Hyukjae to finish, looking at Hyukjae challengingly.

Hyukjae freezes, then laughs.

“Suddenly? Hae, what’s gotten into you? You really are acting strange.” A teasing look. “And don’t I at least get a ring and the full works like all your proposals before?”

Donghae just stares at him, unwavering, and Hyukjae sighs. “Hae, chagi, you know I love you but haven’t we talked about this for as many times as you proposed to me in the past. We’re soulmates and that’s enough for me.”

“Well, it isn’t for me,” Donghae says. “You know I’ve always wanted to get married and get started with raising a family. We’re not getting any younger, Hyukkie, and I… I just don’t understand why you don’t want to.”

“Chagiya,” Hyukjae sighs. “It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s just that… We have all our entire lives to do it. Now just isn’t a good time for me, okay?”

“Then when will it be?” Donghae demands angrily, surprising even himself with his outburst. “When will it be a good time for you? After this project? The next one? When you and your Shindong-hyung have done everything there is to do and have seen everything there is to see and you’d have no other choice but to actually be with me?”

Hyukjae stands up, moves over to Donghae’s side of the table to hug him.

“Donghae, it’s not like that. You know it’s not. And what does Shindong-hyung have to do with…”

“Never mind,” Donghae says , shoving him off and walking towards the door, pulling on his coat. Hyukjae trails after him, confused.

“Hae, what… Where are you going?”

Donghae ignores him, gathers his keys, his phone, and his wallet, puts on his shoes.

“Donghae, please…”

“Out,” Donghae says. “I’m going out. Don’t bother waiting up for me.” A scoff. “As if you will anyway.”

“Donghae…”

The sound of a phone ringing fills their apartment and Donghae sneers. “You better get that. Can’t keep your Shindong-hyung waiting, can you?”

And with that, Donghae storms out slamming the door behind him.


	26. Part 26

Jongwoon grunts as he drags a barely conscious Donghae into his bathroom, struggling under the other’s weight, head already throbbing with the beginnings of a hangover and so many unanswered questions. What was going on? Why was Donghae here of all places? Why now? Didn't Donghae say he didn't drink and did Donghae always weigh this much?

"Hyukkie... Sorry... Jong...woon..." Donghae mumbles for the nth time and Jongwoon frowns. Donghae has kept repeating those words over and over since Jongwoon had helped him up from his doorstep, kept saying them even as he tried to bury his freezing nose into the crook of Jongwoon's neck, and Jongwoon couldn't help but curse the fates and how much they are testing him. Because this is a test, Jongwoon is sure of it, wonders if and when the fates would ever stop being bored and trying to get rid of their boredom at Jongwoon's expense.

Jongwoon sighs. Of all the things he could come home to... Well, tonight had been going a bit too well so of course he should have expected something like this to happen. He shakes his head, carefully lowers both himself and Donghae to sit on the side of his tub, still supporting the other. Donghae shivers against him and instinctively, Jongwoon reaches up to cup Donghae's cheeks. His eyes widen when he feels how feverish they are against his palms.

"Yah, Donghae-ah," Jongwoon calls the younger man's name, patting his cheeks to wake him up. "Donghae-ah, wake up! We have to get you into something warmer before your cold gets worse. Donghae-ah! Please."

Jongwoon is considering taking more drastic measures when Donghae thankfully lifts his head, opens his eyes, and squints at Jongwoon.

"Jongwoon-hyung?” Donghae asks after a while. “You... you're here! Why are you here? What are you... Where's... owww!" Suddenly, Donghae slumps against Jongwoon again, resting his head against Jongwoon's shoulder. 

"Hyung... hurts..." Donghae whimpers and Jongwoon winces in sympathy, wants to tell Donghae off for drinking more than he could handle, places his hand on Donghae's nape instead and starts massaging, a gesture of comfort that takes Jongwoon back to their earlier days when a scared Donghae would silently slip into his bed during sleepovers after Heechul made them watch the latest horror movie a kid like Donghae had no business watching. He tries to channel the same feelings he had back then — intentions pure and innocent, wanting nothing more than to comfort the other. The action makes Donghae snuggle closer, whimpering a bit more, and the sudden whisper of breath against Jongwoon's neck makes him tense up, mind going places he'd promised himself never to go. Jongwoon had always tried to keep a respectful distance between himself and Donghae ever since he’d discovered his feelings towards the younger man precisely because of this, because he didn’t trust himself and what he would do having Donghae this close to him. But he tries to ignore those thoughts, the impulse to hold Donghae tighter, to bend down and press his lips against the top of Donghae’s head, his cheeks, those lips he still remembers even after all these years. He is so distracted that he doesn't notice that Donghae has started crying until he feels hot tears against his skin, drenching his collar. Jongwoon frowns, concerned, forgets all his previous misgiving and lifts the hand on Donghae's nape to run gentle fingers through Donghae’s hair, leans in to whisper in his most soothing tone.

"Donghae-ah? Hey, why are you crying?What's wrong, Hae-ah?"

Silence, until Donghae sniffles then mumbles something against Jongwoon’s neck.

“Donghae-ah?” Jongwoon asks. “What did you—”

“I asked Hyukjae to marry me,” Donghae repeats and Jongwoon staggers, feeling like he’d just gotten stabbed in the heart, a part of him wondering why he still hadn’t gotten used to the pain after all this time.

“A...ahh,” Jongwoon manages. “C-congra—“

“He said no.”

Jongwoon’s eyes widen. What? But why? He knows marriage isn’t for everybody but between soulmates...

“He said no, hyung, like he did to all those other failed proposals and really I should have expected that.” A laugh. “I don’t even know why I proposed to him tonight. It was just... It felt like everyone was leaving me all of a sudden and I didn’t want...”

“You’re wrong,” Jongwoon suddenly finds himself saying and Donghae does lift his head then, raises red-rimmed, teary eyes to meet Jongwoon’s questioningly.

“Hyung?”

“You’re wrong, Hae. No one’s leaving you. Hyukjae won’t. Heechul-hyung and Jungsoo-hyung won’t. And, for what it’s worth, I won’t—”

“But you already did!” Donghae cries and suddenly all the false pretenses come crashing down and Donghae is taking Jongwoon’s collar in his hands, tears falling down his cheeks as Donghae finally opens the can of worms they’d been skirting around since their reunion. “You did and do you know how much that hurt, hyung? You were my best friend, my second older brother, my other half. We spent the better years of our lives together, practically built our worlds around each other, and then you had to disappear just like that and, did you know, hyung, it felt like my world was ending then. Heechul-hyung and Hyukjae... They tried to console me then but they... They couldn’t even begin to understand and... It hurt so damn much, hyung, and now it feels like it’s happening all over again. You’re leaving me again and I feel like I’m losing Hyukjae too and now that I think about it, maybe that’s the reason I proposed. in the first place but then...” A bitter laugh. “Do you know what the worst part of all these is? The worst part is that, halfway through my bottle of wine, I realized that it isn’t actually Hyukjae’s rejection that hurts the most right now.”

And Donghae looks straight into Jongwoon’s eyes, as though searching for something, and Jongwoon wants nothing more than to take younger man’s face in his hands then and...

“Kiss me,” Jongwoon hears and the breath gets knocked right out of him when he realizes what Donghae had just said.

“W-what?” Jongwoon asks, already deep in denial. "D-donghae..." 

"Kiss me," Donghae repeats, looking up at Jongwoon with pleading eyes that held so much hurt and helplessness and confusion. “You say you’re not leaving me again so prove it. Kiss me, hyung. Take responsibility for this pain.”

But it’s wrong, Jongwoon wants to protest. You have your soulmate. You can’t want...

But then Donghae is tightening his grip on Jongwoon collar and pulling Jongwoon towards him, is suddenly uncomfortably close and Jongwoon...

“Please, Jongie-hyung,” Donghae says, using his old nickname, and Jongwoon gives in, does the one thing he'd promised himself never to do again. He reaches up, places a hand on the back of Donghae's neck, draws the younger man closer and, ignoring all the warning bells ringing in his head, places his own lips against the younger man's trembling ones.

It feels like coming home.


	27. Part 27

Hyukjae sighs as he unlocks the door to the Walala Productions office, grateful for having gotten there before the rain fell, the beginning of a headache making him squint as he fumbles around in the dark for the light switch. Tonight was supposed to be a happy night. He’d finally found the time to have dinner with Donghae, even managed to make it a surprise hopefully appealing to Donghae’s romantic side. But then Donghae just had to pop the question and Hyukjae had panicked, said his usual piece except that this time, it didn’t seem enough for Donghae and Hyukjae had been taken aback by the other’s outburst, can’t even remember the last time Donghae had lashed out at him like that.

Hyukjae frowns as he takes a seat at his desk, leans back and closes his eyes.

The first time he’d met Donghae, the other had all but tackled him to the ground in excitement, tears falling down his cheeks.

“Finally!” Donghae had said in between sobs. “Finally! I’ve been waiting to meet you my whole life, Hyukkie!”

Hyukjae had blinked at the nickname, had returned the hug by reflex. “Donghae,” he had said, testing the name of his supposed soulmate on his lips, smiling when he found it to sound just about right, like the name he barely remembers reading on his skin as a child.

Hyukjae was five years old when an accident with a kettle burned a part of the mark on his left thigh. He cried and cried and refused to go to school for days because really, how could he find his soulmate if he couldn’t make out the name written on his skin but now...

Donghae. The name looked right too from what remained of his mark and sometimes Hyukjae could almost see Donghae’s name printed clearly on his skin.

So they’d dated and finished college and moved in together as most soulmates their age did... and they were happy. Donghae was actually everything Hyukjae could have ever wanted in a soulmate — cheerful and kind and caring, if a bit childish at times... understanding and selfless and one of the most beautiful souls Hyukjae has ever met in his life. Things with Donghae have always been easy, felt as natural as breathing, as people say things are between soulmates, so Hyukjae wonders at this sudden distance he is beginning to feel between them.

If only he'd said "yes" this time.

Hyukjae curses, raking a hand through his hair in frustration. If he were being honest, Hyukjae doesn't really know what is holding him back. Donghae is his soulmate and it's not like they're the struggling young adults fresh out of college they were when they first moved in together so what the fuck was wrong with him? 

He hears someone unlock the door to the office, the sound of the rain falling in torrents outside, turns around to see a dripping wet Shindong dressed in a track suit, a similarly soaked paper bag from some convenience in one hand.

"Hyukjae-ah?" Shindong asks, confused, as he locks the door behind him again, trying his best to keep the contents of the paper bag from falling out, approaches Hyukjae's desk. "What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be spending some quality time with your boyfriend?"

Hyukjae sighs, standing up to walk towards the nearby storage to retrieve a towel, which he hands to Shindong. The older man gratefully takes it, a questioning look still in his eyes, and starts drying his hair. Hyukjae just watches him, feeling a bit disoriented at seeing his usually larger-than-life boss looking like a drowned puppy.

"Hyukjae-ah?"

Hyukjae shakes his head. "Ah, right. Well, that was the plan, yes, but something happened and I guess things just aren't meant to go the way I want them to as always.”

"Did he ask you to marry him again?" Shindong asks, shrugging out of his hoodie which he hangs uncaringly on one of their staff's chairs. Hyukjae wonders if it would stain in the morning, watches as Shindong walks towards his own desk to retrieve a spare shirt, averts his eyes respectfully when Shindong begins changing into it.

"Yes," Hyukjae says when he realizes he's been asked a question.

"And did you reject him again?" Shindong asks, moving towards Hyukjae's desk once again once he finishes changing. 

Hyukjae remains silent and Shindong sighs loudly before cuffing him up side his head. Hyukjae yelps as he takes the hit, rubbing at his head.

"Oww, hyung. That hurt, what the hell.”

Shindong ignores him in favor of going through his sodden paper bag, takes out a couple of beers and some chips.

"I'm sorry but I really don't understand why you keep rejecting him, Hyukjae-ah," Shindong says. "I mean, no matter what I say about soulmates being bullshit, you and Donghae-ssi..." He narrows his eyes. "You do love him, don't you?" 

"I do!" Hyukjae exclaims, surprising even himself with his outburst. "Of course I do! What would make you think..."

"So then why?" Shindong asks, popping open a beer and handing it to Hyukjae, who accepts it gratefully, takes a sip averting his eyes.

"I don't know, hyung. It always feels like we'd be rushing into things if I said 'yes,' that there's something I still have to do before we could..."

“Then maybe you should take a break,” Shindong says, popping open his own can of beer and taking a swig. "From work, I mean. I could ask someone else to work with me for the rest of the tour and..."

“But hyung!" Hyukjae protests. "I can't! It has always been my dream to...”

“But what about his?" Shindong retorts, cutting Hyukjae off. "Have you ever asked Donghae what his dream is?”

Hyukjae stops. Has he? He tries to recall the last time he and Donghae had talked about the future and comes up short.

"I..." Hyukjae says weakly. "But the tour..."

Shindong sighs, claps a hand on Hyukjae's shoulder. "Well, sometimes there are things that are more important than our own plans and dreams." A sigh. "Anyway, the offer stands. Just think about it, okay? For now, go set up the karaoke and open these chips. It looks like the rain isn't going to stop anytime soon so we might as well make the most out of being stranded here, yeah?"

Shindong smiles at Hyukjae then, smile kind and understanding in contrast to the words he'd just spoken, and Hyukjae finds himself smiling back as he goes to do as he was told.

It was going to be a long night.


	28. Part 28

Jongwoon blinks awake in the darkness of his room, surprisingly lucid considering that he remembers drinking last night, is confused for a while when he feels something heavier than a blanket draped over him... but then he remembers the rain and the pain and  please, Jongie-hyung and suddenly he’s hyper-aware of skin against skin and the feeling of a heartbeat next to his own. He looks down, lifts his free hand — keeps the other where it is wrapped securely around the other’s waist — to push back stray strands of hair from Donghae’s face, watches the younger man sleep as he remembers last night — Donghae’s lips, as soft and sweet against his own as he remembers from that one stolen moment in their youth; the passion Jongwoon didn’t expect in his kiss that mirrored Jongwoon’s own, seemingly trying to seek comfort and affection and something else Jongwoon dare not name; the almost shy way Donghae had asked him to take him to bed, expressive eyes looking at him in a way Jongwoon didn’t even dare dream about; and finally the feeling of Donghae writhing against him, fingers intertwined with his own, moans and whines and  please, hyung, please sounding in Jongwoon’s ears, as Jongwoon slowly, gently pushed into him, trying not to sob at the intense emotions that overcome him at the realization that this was his most precious person that he was sharing this intimate moment with, the person he has loved his entire life... And it was sweet and wonderful and everything Jongwoon ever imagined it to be and after, when he made himself pull away to collapse next Donghae, both sated and content and trying to catch their breaths, and Donghae had reached for him, had draped himself all over Jongwoon’s side, burying his face in the crook of Jongwoon’s neck as if it were the most natural thing in the world...

Jongwoon sighs. It doesn’t have to mean anything though. Donghae was drunk and upset and said and did things he wouldn’t do when sober and Jongwoon kind of feels guilty for taking advantage of that, a part of him feeling like he’d betrayed Donghae’s trust and yet...

Jongwoon lifts a hand to trace the soft lines of Donghae’s face, taking in as much as he can for as long as he is allowed. It doesn’t have to mean anything, he keeps reminding himself. Donghae is still with Hyukjae. He just needed comfort last night and who was Jongwoon to deny him that.

It doesn’t have to mean anything, Jongwoon tells himself even as his thumb brushes plump lips and soft cheeks as he remembers peppering kisses on the other’s face the night before in the closest thing to a confession Jongwoon would allow himself to make and suddenly his heart is filled with an inexplicable longing.

It doesn’t have to mean anything but Jongwoon is, after all, a romantic at heart so he spends this borrowed time counting the other’s eyelashes —beautiful like everything about Donghae ever seems to be to him — until the sun rises and they have to pretend that whatever happened between them never did and for the first time, Jongwoon wishes that tomorrow would never come.


	29. Part 29 🔥🔥🔥

Donghae wakes up with puffy eyes and a killer hangover, tries to remember where he is and what had happened the night before. He’d sworn off drinking since his 18th birthday so for him to wake up like this...

He tries to get up despite feeling like his head will explode, only to be made aware of the pain in his back and a throbbing in his behind that he hadn’t felt in a while. That in itself was strange. He’d never really enjoyed the feeling of being taken but didn’t really mind letting Hyukjae do it when the other was in the mood and wanted to switch things up... which became rarer and rarer these days that Hyukjae was very seldom home. The pain now is worse though, like nothing Donghae had ever experienced before, not even his first time, and it is almost as if…

He feels a rumble from the bare chest he just realizes he is lying on as his companion stirs, feels the arm around his waist tighten and pull him close as the other nuzzles against the top of his head. It feels familiar somehow and that scent... Donghae’s eyes snap open, suddenly wide awake. He remembers the night before surprisingly clearly, remembers feeling hurt and confused and the strange feeling of being left behind. Remembers Hyukjae surprising him and not knowing how to feel about it. Remembers panicking, the sudden proposal, the expected rejection. Remembers buying a whole bottle of wine and drinking it while walking under the pouring rain until he somehow found himself outside Jongwoon’s apartment... Remembers Jongwoon’s worried expressions when he found him and warm, soothing touches as the older man led him into his apartment and took care of him, making Donghae feel a different sort of pain than what he’d felt earlier, a feeling that Donghae now realizes is a deep, heart-wrenching longing. Donghae doesn’t know where it came from, that longing, so when Jongwoon had tried to say he wouldn’t leave him, Donghae had lashed out, had given in and said the words he’d been wanting to say since his eyes met an equally shocked Jongwoon’s across the room at his brother’s engagement party... and then he’d gone and asked Jongwoon to kiss him.

Jongwoon.

Donghae would be lying if he said it never crossed his mind when they were younger — the thought of him and Jongwoon being together; wasn’t as oblivous to Heechul’s knowing stares or his classmates’ hushed whispers or his friends’ insinuations whenever the two of them would sneak off together to the arcade or to karaoke or to just hang out together watching movies on Donghae’s couch. But Jongwoon was Jongwoon and Donghae was Hyukjae’s even before they actually met so what did it matter if Donghae felt his heart beat just a tiny bit faster whenever Jongwoon would smile at him just so or if he found himself always looking forward to late night calls and visits to Jongwoon’s dorm at the university?

He hadn’t expected Jongwoon to give in, though, had actually been expected to be rejected. The Jongwoon Donghae had known lived by certain principles and surely one of them was not kissing someone who already belonged to someone else... but then Jongwoon was suddenly leaning forward, a strange expression on his face, and Donghae almost let out a sob, had to close his eyes when Jongwoon’s lips finally met his in one of the sweetest, softest kisses he’d ever gotten in his entire life... and Donghae should’ve been fine with just that, a soft, gentle kiss that they could pass off as a kiss of comfort between friends, but suddenly, Donghae had wanted more so he’d pulled Jongwoon closer, deepened the kiss, parting his lips as they kissed each other hungrily, almost desperately, awakening a fire in Donghae so that when they had to part for air, breathing against each other’s lips foreheads resting against each other, Donghae found himself saying the words he knew they would both regret the following morning.

He‘d ignored it though, the feeling of wrongness; ignored it as he and Jongwoon stumbled through the darkness, overtaken by a sudden feverish frenzy, barely keeping their hands off each other as they peeled their remaining clothes off before literally falling onto Jongwoon’s bed, Jongwoon’s weight pinning Donghae down as they tried to catch their breath.

They said nothing then, just lay there staring at each other and it may just have been a trick of the barely there light but the way Jongwoon had looked at Donghae in the darkness with shining eyes, it was almost as if...

And then Jongwoon was leaning forward to capture Donghae’s lips once again — softly, painfully gently — even as small but firm hands started exploring, stroking Donghae’s shoulders, his arms, his chest, brushing against a stiff nipple and making Donghae’s breath hitch until he was moaning into their decidedly less innocent kiss, parting his legs to allow Jongwoon to settle between them as the older man started kissing down his neck, tracing the path his fingers had taken with his lips until Donghae was flushed and breathless and wanting under him... and when Jongwoon took Donghae into his mouth...

Donghae was practically begging then — for what, he didn’t know — even as he came into Jongwoon’s mouth until Donghae was starting to remember why this wasn’t such a good idea in the first place. But then Jongwoon was pulling away and Donghae didn’t want that, didn’t want to lose this closeness, this form of intimacy he didn’t know he’d wanted from Jongwoon, so he pulled Jongwoon up and kissed him, moaning as he tasted himself on the other’s lips. Jongwoon shifted then,hardness brushing up against Donghae and Donghae wanted even more.

So he’d hooked a leg behind Jongwoon’s back, bucked against him, making Jongwoon pull away to look at Donghae questioningly, desire and some other emotion warring in dark eyes.

“Donghae?” Jongwoon had whispered, voice hoarse from not having spoken in a while. “Donghae, what are you...”

Donghae just looked at Jongwoon, couldn’t bring himself to speak, instead took Jongwoon’s hand in his own never breaking eye contact before leading it down, watching Jongwoon’s eyes widen when they reached their destination.

“Hyung...” Donghae had said, still looking into Jongwoon’s eyes, hoping that the other would understand. “Hyung, please...”

“Donghae...” Jongwoon said in turn, returning Donghae’s gaze before seeming to come to a decision, started moving away making Donghae panic — What was happening? Was Jongwoon backing out? He heaved a sigh of relief when Jongwoon moved back and Donghae felt something warm being rubbed against his entrance even as Jongwoon started kissing him once again, remembers the frustration of Jongwoon’s fingers not being enough, never enough, but then Jongwoon was finally pulling away and Donghae knew...

And then Jongwoon was hiking his hips up, looking at Donghae with an almost reverent awe, as though he were the most beautiful person in the world, before he was pushing forward and Donghae had to close his eyes at the overwhelming feeling of being filled... because this was Jongwoon-hyung, his Jongwoon-hyung who had bought him smoothies and sang him to sleep and took him to see the sunflowers but this was also the man who had kissed him and held him and made him feel wanted and Donghae almost cried when he realized he do everything not to lose this delicious pain. And then Jongwoon had started moving and Donghae let himself go, moaning and begging and calling Jongwoon’s name as he felt Jongwoon find that spot inside him that made him see stars again and again, forgetting everything except the feeling of Jongwoon on him, in him, tried to hold on desperately until a particularly hard thrust and then he was coming, tightening unconsciously around Jongwoon as he rode out his orgasm, making Jongwoon let out a strangled curse before following him over the edge...

And later, as Donghae held onto Jongwoon, each of them lost in thought while chasing the dregs of sleep, Donghae found himself thinking that maybe he’d found that one thing he’d always felt was missing in his life.

But that was then and now... Now, as the sun starts to rise outside Jongwoon’s window and the feelings of guilt and confusion and  this is wrong  start rearing their ugly heads yet again, now that reality has started to creep in together with the realization that what he and Jongwoon did may have been a mistake and would end up hurting more than one person, Donghae couldn’t help but wish that last night was just a dream — a wonderful, beautiful dream Donghae would always cherish but still a dream that would be gone the moment he wakes. But then he feels fingers running lazily through his hair, a brush of lips against the top of his head, and Donghae closes his eyes, decides to be selfish for a while longer, to hang onto this dream or whatever it is for as long as he could.

Reality could wait.


	30. Part 30

When Donghae next wakes up, he is alone in bed, clutching at a pillow that still smells like Jongwoon, body thrumming with a pleasant ache. He smiles as he stretches, mood the best it has been in a while, wonders lazily where Jongwoon could have gotten to when his eyes land on the familiar name on his left wrist and suddenly, the feeling of guilt returns full force, making him want to vomit.

Truly, what he and Jongwoon shared the night before was one of the most beautiful, intimate, honest things Donghae has ever experienced in his life but when all’s said and done, it never should have happened and in the sobering light of the morning after, Donghae can’t help but regret even coming to Jongwoon’s apartment last night, intoxication and the rain be damned... because wondering is different from knowing and Donghae would much rather not have known how tender Jongwoon’s kisses were, how gentle his touches, how full he made Donghae feel when sheathed all the way in, taking everything that Donghae had to offer and really, how were they even supposed to move on from this after realizing just how their faces fit?

Donghae stares at Hyukjae’s name on his skin and suddenly feels like crying. Why, why did Donghae have to do this? He loves Hyukjae, he truly does, no matter how things between them have been lately, but Jongwoon... for some reason meeting the older man again made Donghae actually want to try —not to just accept things but to change them, to chase dreams he’d long ago thought he’d given up on, to find happiness — not to mention the way Jongwoon always seems to know what to do or say to make Donghae smile...

Jongwoon’s phone sounds from the bedside table with an alarm and Donghae hesitates a bit before reaching for it, turns the alarm off, feels his heart skip a beat when he sees that Jongwoon’s wallpaper was the selca Donghae had sent him the day Donghae discovered that it was Jongwoon who was sending him his daily sunflowers. Donghae doesn’t remember himself looking like this though — soft features and rosy cheeks and sparkiling eyes as he looked up at the camera while placing a kiss on the sunflower he was holding — and Donghae wonders if this is how Jongwoon sees him. Donghae had always known Jongwoon loved him, in the platonic, older-brother-slash-best-friend kind of way, but the way Jongwoon had looked at Donghae last night as he moved against him, inside of him, had made Donghae reconsider everything he’s ever known about the older man and he can’t help but wonder just how long it has been since Jongwoon’s feelings changed.

Jongwoon’s phone vibrates with a message and Donghae’s eyes narrow — Yuri? Who’s Yuri? — respectfully averts his eyes even if he was burning with curiosity to find out who would send Jongwoon a message this early in the morning on a weekend, returns Jongwoon’s phone where he found it, forces himself to stand up and starts looking around for his clothes, blushing when he thinks of how they could’ve ended up wherever they were now. He doesn’t find them though, not even his underwear, finds a clean pair of track pants and a hoodie instead that he could only assume Jongwoon had set aside for him, doesn’t know how he would feel later on walking into his and Hyukjae’s apartment in another man’s clothing, especially considering what they’d done, but it wasn’t like he had any other choice. He pulls them on, surprised to find that they fit considering the difference in his and Jongwoon’s build, enjoys the fresh smell of laundry mingled with Jongwoon’s unique scent, seriously considers just curling back up in Jongwoon’s bed and ignoring everything.

The smell of pancakes wafts in though and Donghae’s stomach gives an answering rumble. Decision made for him, Donghae takes a deep breath, heart already pounding loudly in his chest as he stands hesitantly before Jongwoon’s bedroom door, not knowing what to expect the moment he steps out of it.

And Donghae tries to imagine how things would happen. How would Jongwoon react when he sees Donghae when just moments earlier they couldn’t seem to get enough of each other? Would he blush and ask how Donghae was feeling, ladling some pancakes onto a plate just to avoid looking at him? Would he say it was all his fault, apologize for taking advantage of Donghae’s drunkenness, and promise never to make the same mistake again? Would he just laugh and say it meant nothing, that Donghae was overthinking and could he please take the trash on his way out? Or would he smile and pretend it didn’t happen, even though the marks on Donghae’s skin and the lingering feeling on his body would prove otherwise? Would Jongwoon even be there or would he have already run away like he did all those years back?

Donghae honestly doesn’t know, doesn’t know the man Jongwoon has become, starts to doubt even fully knowing the man who he was.

But at least they should talk, Donghae knows, not so much about what it meant because honestly, a part of Donghae already knows the answer to that, but they should at least come to an understanding that whatever happened should never happen again no matter how much Donghae wants it to. So yes, they should talk like rational, responsible adults and anyway, a one-night stand at this point shouldn’t really affect their relationship if they don’t want it to, should it?

Donghae heaves another sigh, reaches for the doorknob and steps into Jongwoon’s living room. The sounds from the Jongwoon’s kitchen indicate that he is still there and Donghae doesn’t know whether to feel relieved or devastated.

The stove turns off, he hears someone walking towards him, and suddenly, Donghae is overwhelmed by an irrational panic. No. No. It is too soon. He cannot see Jongwoon now, not like this, not while he is confused and vulnerable and could still feel Jongwoon’s kisses against his lips, skin on his skin, not while he couldn’t trust himself not to throw himself at the older man and hang onto whatever this thing between them is, no matter how wrong or irresponsible or whom it may hurt. The footsteps sound closer now, soft yet sure, and Donghae’s eyes widen as he does the one thing he’d never had to do in his life.

He runs.


	31. Part 31

Jongwoon sips his coffee, nodding absently as Yuri rants about her ex's newest SNS post  —  _His freaking hand was around her waist! Her waist! Can you believe that, oppa?_ — fingers twitching as he tries not to look at his phone for the nth time. 

He and Yuri had been meeting at this cafe for some weeks now, mostly when one of them had something to get off their chest that they couldn’t otherwise. Rant buddies, Yuri had called their arrangement and it was apparently all the rage these days. Jongwoon kind of understood why, though. Sometimes, it really helped to have someone you could tell things to without any judgment or fear that they’d gossip about you behind their back, especially when.. 

"So," Yuri suddenly says, tone going somber. "Has he called yet, the guy you used to buy sunflowers for?" 

Jongwoon sighs. 

It has been almost a month since he'd last seen Donghae. The younger man had practically disappeared from Jongwoon's life since that fateful night, had neither called nor messaged nor reached out to him after he'd fled Jongwoon's apartment in his borrowed clothes leaving Jongwoon with  a breakfast made for two and endless nights of angst and confusion. 

Because Jongwoon had actually been ready to give Donghae the easy way out then, had been prepared to take the blame for what happened and pass it off as a moment of weakness, had spent what felt like an eternity looking at himself in the mirror over his bathroom sink rehearsing the words he was supposed to tell Donghae. It was an accident , a mistake. They were both drunk. He shouldn't have taken advantage of him. It didn't have to mean anything. The last part was the most difficult to say and Jongwoon found himself dry heaving into the toilet several times before he forced himself to gather his bearings and try again. By the time he'd been flipping some pancakes over the stove, he'd almost convinced himself that it were true. 

But Donghae had run and suddenly Jongwoon had all the time to think and feel and remember and  s uddenly all those words get thrown out the window when he remembers the feeling of holding  Donghae , kissing him, making love to him, as trite as that sounds. It was the single, happiest moment in Jongwoon’s life and how could he ever have thought of calling something as beautiful and pure and true an accident? 

Because the truth was that, if there was one thing he regretted about that night, it was that he hadn't at least told Donghae the secret he'd held in his heart all these years. 

"Oppa?" Yuri asks again and Jongwoon shakes himself out of his reverie,  f orces a smile. 

"No, Yul... It's... He's... I mean, I...” 

"Oh, I see,” Yuri says. “That’s too bad. So why don't you call him instead?" 

Jongwoon sighs. He'd considered doing so, he really did, but he didn't really trust himself to say what needed to be said, didn't want to mess Donghae's life up more than he already did. 

“I can’t, Yul. You know I can’t, especially since... He’s not mine, Yul. He can never be and I... 

Y uri just looks at him,  understand ing, bites her lip thinking of what to say to him. 

"Oppa, you know..." 

She trails off suddenly, eyes wide, reaches for Jongwoon's hand from across the table almost in a panic. 

Jongwoon jumps at the sudden touch  — they hadn’t really reached this point of  familiarity —  looks at her curiously. Yuri just gives him a look, mouths "just play along" from the side of her mouth, before giving Jongwoon an almost sickeningly sweet look. 

"Yul! Is that you? Hey, it's been a while!" A familiar voice calls her and Yuri pretends to be startled, looks over Jongwoon's shoulder. 

"Oppa! Hey!" Yuri says, stands to greet the newcomer. 

"On a date?" the newcomer asks and Yuri smiles. 

"Uhm, kind of. How about y —“

"Hyukkie!” Someone calls, running towards them. “I'm sorry. I got lost at the parking lot. Oh, who's your friend?" 

And suddenly all the blood drains from Jongwoon's face when he turns around to meet equally shocked dark brown eyes staring at him from across the room.


	32. Part 32

Donghae yawns as he makes his way down the parking lot of the cafe he and Hyukjae had agreed to meet up at. It wasn’t a good day for him actually. He’d woken up after a grand total of two hours of sleep with a killer migraine and now, he’d forgotten his sunglasses and had to deal with people looking curiously at the dark circles around his eyes.

It's been almost a month since he'd had a good night's sleep, to be honest, and Donghae’d had been pushing through his days with only coffee and smoothies and an all-consuming guilt that keeps him up all night no matter how tired he was.

And he was tired... of lying, of acting, of pretending that he did nothing wrong, especially every time Hyukjae would smile at him and ask where he wanted to go for the day. Because of all the times Hyukjae could have decided to go back to being a caring and doting boyfriend, of all the times he could have decided to take time off work to actually spend time with Donghae, it just had to be now, hadn’t it — now when Donghae wasn't so sure it was still what he wanted, needed, craved for.

Donghae looks at the dried petals at the back of his phone case and sighs.

The last of the sunflowers Jongwoon had given him had withered now but Donghae couldn't forget the tiny fragments of happiness and comfort they brought him during the days when he'd been feeling lost... so he allows himself at least this, keep the dried petals in his phone case and the fleeting moments of happiness in his heart together with all the memories of warm summer afternoons and cold rainy nights and the feeling of Jongwoon's hot breath against his skin.

Donghae curses.

He tries to forget, he really does, but there are times when he slips, had almost called out Jongwoon's name that one night he'd allowed Hyukjae to take him — no matter how different Hyukjae’s kisses were as well as his touches — and Donghae had never felt more guilty in his entire life.

So he'd cut Jongwoon out of his life, hadn't called or messaged or even looked at the many photos he'd taken of Jongwoon that day at the sunflower field no matter how much he wanted, longed to hear the sound of Jongwoon’s voice, to see the crow’s feet at the side of his eyes when he laughs.

This is penance, he reminds himself every time it gets too hard and he reaches desperately for his phones, thumb hovering over the older man's contact details. This is your punishments, because Donghae made a mistake, a mistake that could hurt a person dear to him, so why shouldn't he be hurting like this?

A mistake — that is all that night was, that is all it ever could be but in his weakest moments, as he remembers soft lips and gentle caresses, careful touches, and the feeling of Jongwoon moving against him, inside of him, Donghae couldn't help but think that maybe, just maybe, it was something more than just that.

But now was not the time for delusions or wishful thinking so he plasters on the smile of a person happily in love as he opens the door to the cafe, spots Hyukjae who seemed to have seen someone he knew, calls out to him.

"Hyukkie! I'm sorry. I got lost at the parking lot. Oh, who's your friend?"

Three pairs of eyes turn to look at him but it is the third pair that has him gasping, all at once reminded of the look in those very same eyes that fateful night as Jongwoon made love to him and suddenly he finds it very difficult to breathe.

"Chagi? You're finally here," Hyukjae says, thankfully still oblivious to Donghae's breakdown. "I just ran into Yuri and her d... oh, isn't this your Jongwoon-hyung?"

The woman — Yuri — look from Donggae to Jongwoon questioningly before seeming to come to a conclusion, reaches for Jongwoon’s hand.

"Oppa," she asks. "Oppa, are you okay? Is he..."

Donghae lets out another gasp at the pain in his chest as he watches Jongwoon take Yuri's hand in his, gives it an answering squeeze, before turning back to them, looking straight at Donghae as he speaks, voice soft and gentle as he remembers it.

"Hello, Hyukjae-ssi, Donghae-ah. It's been a while, hasn't it?"

It hurts.


	33. Part 33

Jongwoon walks Yuri back to her car, silent and lost in thought. 

Of all the times he could have seen Donghae again, never did he expect it to be like this, had expected them meeting somewhere where they could actually talk things through, at a park or cafe where practically no one knew them, definitely not... 

Jongwoon sighs. 

He'd thought he'd already accepted long ago that Donghae could never be his but seeing Donghae with Hyukjae after knowing just how perfectly Donghae seemed to fit in his arms, how sweet the younger man tasted on his  tongue , how beautiful his name sounded from Donghae’s lips... wasn't it just fucking unfair that the universe couldn't even give him a chance to fight for him just because it was Hyukjae's name written on Donghae's skin and not his? 

And Donghae... how dare he look as if he were the one who was hurting the most. How dare he  s tare at Jongwoon with a look of betrayal in those gorgeous doe eyes that Jongwoon loved as though Jongwoon hadn't spent the most of his life enduring the pain of seeing the one he loved with someone else. 

And sometimes Jongwoon wishes he could hate him, hate the childish, beautiful, selfish soul who'd unknowingly captured his heart but then was it really Donghae's fault? After all, didn't Jongwoon already know how things would end when he led Donghae into his apartment that night and kissed him when the younger man had asked? Didn't he already know how things would end even back then on the rooftop of his university's dorm when they shared their first kiss, back then in Donghae's living room with Heechul looking at them knowingly from the other side of the couch, back then on that quiet afternoon in the music room when Donghae had lulled him back to sleep with his soft, quiet singing? 

Everything was actually against them from the very beginning  —  the odds, the expectations of people around them, society's perception of how love was supposed to be, the mark on Donghae's wrist and the lack of one on  Jongwoon’s skin — but an irrational part of Jongwoon still wants to blame Donghae for all the pain and hurt and suffering because how dare he look at Jongwoon with those eyes, how dare he call Jongwoon’s name in that tone, how dare he ask Jongwoon to kiss him and hold him and make love to him when in the end... 

But then Jongwoon could never really, truly hate Donghae, not when he... 

"He's the one you love, isn't he?" Yuri asks, startling Jongwoon back into reality. 

"What?" 

"Donghae-ssi," Yuri clarifies, a smile on her lips. "He's the one you've been telling me about, the person you'd been getting sunflowers for." 

For a while, Jongwoon just looks at her, considers lying and denying but really, what use would that be? He looks down, nods, and suddenly, Yuri was taking him in her arms and it is only then that he realizes that he'd started crying, tears of frustration and hurt and anguish falling down his cheeks as years upon years of pain and longing crash down on him. Yuri just lets him, even as his tears start to soak into the shoulder of her top. 

"Shh, it's okay, oppa. It'll be okay," she says soothingly , patting his head rather  awkwardly . "It's not your fault. This entire soulmate thing... It's just so fucked up." And then... 

"I'm sorry you had to go through all that, that us blanks have to go all through the pain of not fitting into such a messed up system but oppa, just believe that there will be a time when we'll be happy too." And it is then that Jongwoon realizes that Yuri was crying as well. 

"We'll be happy too, right oppa?" Yuri asks again and Jongwoon just keeps silent as he  r ealizes he doesn't know the answer to that. 


	34. Part 34

"Choi... Siwon?” Donghae asks, looking up from his cold brew. He'd been stirring his coffee for the past ten minutes without taking a sip, appetite suddenly lost, the earlier scene playing itself over and over again in his head. He tries to pay attention to Hyukjae's story, he really does, but it is quite difficult when all he could think of is Jongwoon taking Yuri's hand in his, looking at her with those eyes, and saying that he and Yuri were just "trying to see how things will go,” all but confirming what Donghae now realizes is his one biggest fear...

Kwon Yuri, the name of the one Jongwoon has chosen, and what pain that mere thought causes Donghae, like a dagger to the heart.

Apparently Hyukjae and Shindong worked with her group a couple of projects ago and Hyukjae supposedly told Donghae about this already at that time but Donghae must have zoned out as he usually does when Hyukjae starts gushing about work for more than 30 minutes.

“The actor?”

Hyukjae nods.

"And future Prime Minister? Yup. He's Shindong-hyung's long-time friend and had been a huge fan of Yuri even before they officially met so we set them up." A sigh. "Sadly, there's been a falling out and it looks like they aren't getting back together anytime soon. I just didn't expect..." Hyukjae shakes his head. "Ah, I knew this was a bad idea. She's a blank and isn't Siwon's soulmate but you know how Shindong-hyung is when it comes to..."

"So what if she isn't his soulmate?"

"What?"

"So what if she isn't his soulmate?" Donghae repeats, eyes shining with unshed tears. "So what if the name on Siwon-ssi's skin isn't Yuri-ssi's? Does that really matter more than the way people actually feel? Is being soul-marked really as important as we're taught it is? Does not having another person’s name on your skin mean they aren't supposed to be together?”

Donghae startles when Hyukjae places a hand on his clenched fist, looks around to find people staring curiously at him after his outburst. He lowers his head, trying to hide from those judging eyes, Hyukjae’s concerned look. He didn’t deserve them, any of them, but specially not...

"Hae, chagi, what's wrong?” Hyukjae says, peering at him worriedly. “You look like you’re about to...”

Donghae takes a deep breath, forces a smile. "I'm sorry, Hyukkie. I just haven't been sleeping well lately."

Hyukjae sighs. "Yeah, I know. Did you think I didn't notice? Hae, we've been together for what... ten, eleven years? I may not be the perfect boyfriend but I'd like to think I could at least tell when you're upset. You've been quite distracted lately, don't sleep too well, have lost your appetite and even when we're togther... Hae, is there something you'd like to tell me?"

Donghae stares at him, like a deer caught in headlights. Was this it? Was this the chance he'd been waiting for to come clean and confess? But what was he supposed to say? I'm sorry I was so upset after you rejected my proposal for the millionth time that I slept with another man? I'm sorry that you've been ignoring me for so long I actually mistook someone else's kindness as something else? I'm sorry that even now it is his smile, his kisses, his touch that I crave even when I know it's wrong and messed up because for that fleeting moment when he held me in his arms I felt wanted and cared for, truly happy?

Donghae looks at Hyukjae, tries to remember the reasons he'd fallen in love with the other except for the mark on his wrist — Hyukjae's kindness, his patience, his perseverance, that gummy smile that never failed to brighten up his day back then, his loyalty — loyalty that apparently Donghae could not return and the guilt returns tenfold making it hard for him to breathe. Donghae was disloyal, true, but did he really have yo hurt Hyukjae by telling him so? No. No, Donghae couldn't do that to him, couldn't hurt him... no matter how much things have changed, may change between them, Hyukjae was still his soulmate and...

"Hae?"

Donghae forces a smile. "I'm sorry, Hyukkie. There really is just something I'm working on that stresses me out so much. You know how I get whenever I hit a block when I'm composing."

Hyukjae raises a brow. "And it has something to do with soulmates?"

Donghae's smile tightens but he regains his composure.

"Of sorts," he says, tries to change the subject. "Now tell me about that project Shindong-hyung has offered you once you get back to work."

No. Hyukjae could never know, should never be made to bear the pain of his and Jongwoon's betrayal and Donghae decides right then and there to take the secret of that one precious mistake and all the pain and longing and suffering it brought with it to the grave with him because if he could help it, no one else should hurt because of it... except himself.


	35. Part 35

Hyukjae walks down the familiar path to the Walala Productions office, deep in thought. It had been almost a month since he's been here after Shindong practically forced him to take a vacation and now he was finally  a llowed back at work again , all the worse for wear. 

Hyukjae sighs. Somehow, him taking time off work to spend time with Donghae didn't seem to do as much for their relationship as Hyukjae had expected. Sure they had gone out to eat and talk and do normal couple stuff but for some reason, the distance Hyukjae had noticed between them had grown to a point where, no matter how hard Hyukjae tried, it always felt as though Donghae was physically there, his mind and heart was no longer with him, had gone off somewhere to a place where Hyukjae could never reach him, not anymore. 

He'd thought they'd finally get somewhere, that day at the cafe when the happened to run ito Yuri and Jongwoon. Donghae had always loved cafes, especially ones that appealed to his artistic side where he could just sit and watch and dream, so Hyukjae thought being in his element would help Donghae relax. He was surprised when it had the opposite effect,  m ade Donghae  e ven more distracted and fidgety and for a moment there, Hyukjae though Donghae was about to cry. 

But why? Why would he? 

It was stress, Donghae had said. Just stress. But Hyukjae had seen Donghae at his worst and the only time he remembers Donghae acting like this was when... Hyukjae frowns. But that couldn't be right. Jongwoon had been right there that very day, had actually greeted them rather pleasantly so it wasn't like he'd walked out of Donghae's life again as he did ten years back. So no, it just didn't make sense to Hyukjae why Donghae looked as if he were going to go through that dark phase  i n his life yet again. 

Was it the rejected proposal then? Was it one rejection too many that piled up and had Donghae thinking that Hyukjae didn't want that at all with him  —  marriage and a family and settling down? Hyukjae sighs. Donghae has always been the romantic, the dreamer between the two of them and though Hyukjae also did have his romantic side (that fruit bouquet he got Donghae once on a whim was a nice touch , if he did say so himself) but he was more of a pragmatist. After all, he and Donghae were already soulmates. Did it really matter what the family registry said? 

He gets to the door of the office quicker than he expects, takes out his key only to find the door already unlocked. Hyukjae blinks. Well, Shindong sure was early. Either that or he actually pulled an all-nighter and just forgot to lock the door once again, a dangerous habit Hyukjae makes a mental note to scold his boss about later. He opens the door carefully, turns on the light in the hallway before closing the door behind him, walks towards his desk and sure enough, spies Shindong sprawled all over the office couch, snoring. He was wearing both shorts and a tank top, a strange sight altogether considering that Shindong wasn't really one to bare his skin, so it's either he just ran out of clothes he kept at the office or the airconditioner had acted up again that night. 

Hyukjae yawns, places his bag on his desk, hesitates before walking towards the older man. Whatever the reason, Hyukjae doubts Shindong had intended for anyone to see him like this so he walks over, is about to shake Shindong awake when his boss rolls over to sleep on his right, left leg slung around his body pillow, making the hem of his shorts ride up a bit before muttering something about grilled meat. 

This makes Hyukjae laugh. The image of the strict director ordering some of the biggest names in the industry around contrasting too sharply with this overgrown manchild who really just wanted to eat  w as too funny in Hyukjae's mind. He decides not to disturb Shindong then, would allow him to sleep at least until the older man's alarm  g oes off, notices a blanket that had fallen off the side of the couch. He reaches for it, is already thinking about checking on the airconditioner next, when he accidentally glances at the bare skin of Shindong's thigh  a nd freezes, eyes wide, heartbeat  quickening . 

Because  t here clearly printed on his boss's left thigh, on the exact same spot as  H yukjae’s own, was a mark he'd never expected to see on anyone else. 

"Hyukjae," the mark unmistakably says in dark, bold letters and Hyukjae feels the world  a s he knows it fall apart.


	36. Part 36

Hyukjae remembers something his sister had said the first time he’d introduced Donghae to his family over lunch, before their mother frantically shushed her and asked Donghae to be a dear and please pass the salad.

“I was so sure it said ‘Donghee,’” Sora had said then. “Not...”

Hyukjae had ignored it that time because surely he misheard her. After all, wasn’t it his name clearly printed on Donghae’s left wrist and Donghae spend most of his life eagerly waiting to meet Hyukjae?

The memory comes back full force now as Hyukjae forces himself to look away. Because it can’t be, it just can’t. Donghae’s mark is real, Hyukjae is so sure of it, but then what about Shindong’s? And of all places, it just had to be on the same spot as Hyukjae’s. But thedidn’t Shindong say he didn’t know what his soulmark said?

It is all too confusing for Hyukjae who just kneels there, blanket in hand, rooted to the spot.

Objectively, Hyukjae knows it makes sense. After all, even Hyukjae was surprised at how well he and Shindong had gotten along from the get go, how easy it was to talk to someone who was supposed to be his boss, how seamlessly their creatively ideas meshed together, but surely he didn’t expect... Because Hyukjae had Donghae, always had Donghae so what the fuck is going on?

And Shindong... if he knew, why did he act like he didn’t, like it didn’t matter at all that it was Hyukjae’s name printed on his skin, had even given Hyukjae time off to work on his relationship with Donghae. To be sure, Shindong has always been vocal about what he thought about the entire soulmate thing but was it really to the extent that he’d allow his soulmate, the person supposedly meant for him, to be with someone else?

Hyukjae shakes his head. And here he was thinking that going back to work would help distract him from thinking about his relationship with Donghae.

His relationship with Donghae — what was it even? Was everything based on a lie then? A fluke? Surely not because no matter how strange things have become between them, Hyukjae can’t deny that there was a time when he and Donghae were actually, truly happy together before things had started to change and Hyukjae had started to feel that he barely knows the man he’d fallen in love with anymore.

Just why... why did he have to discover this now of all times?

Shindong’s alarm goes off, the older man stirs, and Hyukjae panics, drops the blanket in his haste to get away, and before he knows it, he is out again in the cold morning air, heart pounding hard against his chest, the picture of his name against Shindong’s skin combining with his sister’s words playing over and over in his mind, making it hard to think straight, until it gets too much for Hyukjae.

He runs.


	37. Part 37

Shindong smiles into his glass of soju, looking around the table as co-workers gossip and laugh over even more bottles of soju and grilled meat. He'd arranged a simple welcome back dinner for Hyukjae, especially after the younger man came back to work with the look not of one who had just spent the last month practically on a honeymoon with his boyfriend, but with a haunted look, as though he'd just gone through hell and back. It was strange. Shindong thinks a month should be long enough for couples who are having problems with not spending much time with each other to patch things up. So why did Hyukjae look as though the world as he knew it just ended? Not to mention that his assistant seemed to be avoiding him all day, managing to escape all Shindong's attempts at small talk. Shindong sighs. To be honest, Shindong had put this dinner together hoping that it would lift Hyukjae's spirits up or at least finally get the younger man to talk to Shindong but it didn't seem to be working even with all the merriment and banter around. 

He tunes in to the conversation, sighs yet again when he realizes the topic. 

“Right! A mark on the exact same spot. Isn't it romantic?" Seulgi, one of their junior productions staff, practically swoons. "Ah, I'm so happy for Hyo-unnie." 

Shindong watches Hyukjae flinch from across the grill and frowns. Even stranger. Hyukjae has always been a soulmate enthusiast since the day that they met, almost everyone who has met their soulmates is. Almost. 

"How about you, oppa?" Seulgi continues, turning to Hyukjae. "Are your and Donghae-oppa's soulmarks on the same spot?" 

Hyukjae's eyes widen almost comically at that and for some reason, his eyes meet Shindong's for a while, before looking away. 

"Ah, no," Hyukjae says, smiling at Seulgi. "Donghae’s is on his left wrist." 

"And yours?” 

Once again, Hyukjae's eyes meet Shindong's, almost instinctively. 

"My left thigh," Hyukjae says finally, looking away, and Shindong forces himself not to react. 

Shindong had known, the moment he met Hyukjae, that this was the person who, according to the universe, was supposed to be his other half, the one meant to complete him. How could he not with the other's name clearly printed across his skin? Shindong had never really bought into the whole soulmate thing, had in fact had his fair share of relationships before meeting Hyukjae because there was no way he was putting his life on hold for someone he wasn't even sure he'd get along with just because some mutation in his genes tells him to. But then he actually met Hyukjae, worked with him, got to know him and realized, begrudgingly, that maybe the universe was actually onto something, had been ready to explore the matter further, but then he learned about Donghae, how he and Hyukjae had met in college, had been together for more than a decade, and suddenly the entire system was fucked up once again. 

Shindong had read about them once, in his search to find some sense of logic in the existence of soulmates. Unrequited soulmates or "duds" were extremely rare, even rarer than blanks, but they did exist and like blanks, were excluded from the usual soulmate narrative. Duds are unluckier that blanks though, robbed of their freedom of choice until the day they meet their supposed soulmate to find out that there is someone else’s name written on their precious person’s skin. Some do not even realize what they are until they are old and gray and see the name of their supposed soulmate as someone else's spouse in the obituaries. It is too cruel and Shindong thinks he is lucky to have discovered this fact about his mark when he did. If only... 

"How about you, Shin director-nim," Seulgi says, bringing Shindong out of his musings. "Have you found your soulmate yet?" 

Shindong forces a smile, wondering why he always seems to be dragged into conversations like these. "Ah, Seulgi-ah. You know I don't believe in those things." 

"Yeah," another PD pipes up. "Shindong-hyung believes in freedom of choice, after all." 

Seulgi ignores him. "But you have one, right, oppa-nim?" She persists. "A soulmark?" 

Shindong sighs. "Well, yeah. Isn't it more usual to have one?" 

"Where is it then?" Seulgi continues, curiousity unabated. "Where is your soulmark?" 

Shindong feels the weight of a dozen eyes staring at him in anticipation but none more than wide eyes looking at him with a strange expression from across the grill in front of him. This was usually the part when he’d lie and say that he didn’t know, didn’t really care enough to know what his soulmark says or where it even is, but something stops him, not the least of which were Hyukjae’s eyes staring intently at him, unwavering. 

Shindong sighs, downs his glass of soju, and decides, fuck it. It wasn't as if the younger man could ever know anyway. 

"On my left thigh," Shindong says, staring straight at Hyukjae. "My soulmark is on my left thigh." 

After all, it‘s not like it would change a thing, would it? 


	38. Part 38

“So let me get this straight... you slept with Donghae-hyung and now you’re pretend-dating Yuri-ssi?” Kyuhyun whistles. “Wow, I never knew you had it in you. Good job, hyung— ow!” Trails off when Jongwoon reaches from across the table to cuff him upside the head. 

Kyuhyun and Ryeowook had invited Jongwoon out for lunch after the older man had gone missing in action for a couple of days, even taking sick days from work which he barely ever does. Kyuhyun thought it was a bad idea. Usually the way they dealt with a sullen Jongwoon was to give him space and wait for him to reach out to them but Ryeowook said he had a bad feeling about leaving Jongwoon alone this time and Kyuhyun learned the hard way to trust Ryeowook’s judgment whenever he gets bad feelings. So Kyuhyun just sighed and dialed Jongwoon’s number, was prepared to resort to desperate measures like saying “pretty please” all aegyo-like but thankfully, Jongwoon had agreed to meet them at their usual weekend haunt quite easily.

Of course, getting Jongwoon to come to lunch in the first place was already a victory however small and Kyuhyun and Ryeowook should have felt a bit relieved but when they saw the dark circles around Jongwoon’s eyes, his gaunt look, and the haunted expression in his eyes, they couldn’t help but worry even more.

Needless to say, getting Jongwoon to talk without the aid of alcohol was another matter altogether but Ryeowook somehow managed it and now they had to deal with a rather irritated Jongwoon who felt like he just got scammed.

“Stupid ChoKyu!” Jongwoon says, glaring at the other while trying to ignore the curious stares the other diners were throwing their way. “Why don’t you say that a little bit louder. I don’t think the people at the cafe across the street had heard you.”

“Yeah, well...”

“Kyu!” Ryeowook interrupts Kyuhyun before he could say anything. “We should be thankful Jongwoon-hyung shared something so personal with us.” He then reaches over to squeeze Jongwoon’s hand. “Hyung, I... Honestly, I don’t know what to say but just know that if there’s anything bothering you, me and Kyu... We’re here to listen and—“

“And to have a drink with you,” Kyuhyun continues. “Your treat, of course.”

“...without any judgment whatsoever...”

“Without  _much_ judgment— Sorry, hyung, I can’t do the without-judgment thing—ow! Ryeonggu...”

Ryeowook ignores him. “Anyway, what I’m saying is, hyung, no matter how things turn out between you and Donghae-hyung, you can always count on us to have your back, okay.”

“Yeah, hyung,” Kyuhyun pipes up. “I mean, it’s not like we know anyone involved in your life’s drama so your secret is safe with us. Seriously, though,” he continues. “I thought you’d have more self-control than that.” A pause. “Then again, I guess it should be expected. More than a decade of keeping all those feelings to yourself... Aish, hyung, you really love Donghae-hyung that much, huh?”

“I do,” Jongwoon mumbles unexpectedly.

“What?”

“I do,” Jongwoon repeats. “I love him, I have always loved him, and it gets so tiring and frustrating and painful sometimes but for some reason, I just can’t stop loving him no matter what he does or says or feels.” A pained laugh. “I want to hate him, I really do, but I don’t and I can’t and I’ve been asking myself over and over what I could have possibly done to deserve to be hurting like this but I... I still love him, you guys. I love him and goddamnit, I just wish I could fucking stop.” And then Jongwoon looks up at them with tears in his eyes and an anguished expression that makes even Kyuhyun fall silent, the smartass reply he’d been about to say dying on his lips. After all, what did, could someone say in the face of such a deep-seated pain.

They just sit in silence as Jongwoon tries to get his tears under control until Ryeowook clears his throat, exchanges a look with Kyuhyun.

“Hyung,” He finally says, trying to keep his tone even. “Hyung, you don’t just stop loving someone just because you decide to. That’s just not how it works.” A pause. “If it were that easy to put aside your feelings for Donghae-hyung... could they even be called ‘love’?”

“Ryeonggu...”

Kyuhyun sighs. “I agree. Also, hyung, based on what you told us... Anyone with half a brain could see that your feelings aren’t completely one-sided. I mean, I barely know the guy but with all that history between you two, it’s kinda hard not to develop feeling and I doubt Donghae-hyung would have slept with you just on a whim.”

“But Donghae... He was drunk and I...”

“You what? Took advantage of him?” Kyuhyun snorts. “Hyung, I really doubt you would have given in if you knew he didn’t want it.”

“Kyu...” Jongwoon says. “So what do I do now?”

Kyuhyun sighs. “Don’t look at me, hyung. I’m just saying things the way I see them. You know I’m equally clueless about things like this.” A pause. “But maybe... I dunno, have you tried talkinh to him?”

Jongwoon snorts. “Right. Like the way you talked to that doctor friend of yours you ‘accidentally’ slept with that one time?”

Kyuhyun chokes on his water. “Hyung, this and that are...”

“Doctor friend?” Ryeowook asks, frowning. “What doctor friend?”

Kyuhyun glares at Jongwoon. “Hyung, I thought we agreed never to speak of him. Just worry about that wedding you’re supposed to go to next weekend. Donghae-hyung will be there, right? And aren’t you supposed to take Yuri-ssi since you’re supposed to be dating?”

“Kyu!” Ryeowook says, the pitch of his voice rising. “I said what doctor friend?”

Kyuhyun sighs, puts on his most pitiful expression, before turning to his already seething boyfriend. “Ryeonggu, babe. Please let me explain...”

Jongwoon tunes them out then, feeling a stab of pain in his chest at the mere thought of seeing Donghae with Hyukjae again at Heechul and Jungsoo’s wedding, wishes he didn’t have to pretend, could go alone or, better yet, not go at all. But the damage has already been done and really, what else could he do but to see this pretense through.

So he reaches for his phone with a resigned sigh and dials Yuri’s number. After all the trouble he’d be causing, the least he could do is to get her a dress for it.


	39. Part 39

Donghae sighs as he goes through boxes and boxes full of photos and movie tickets and other memorabilia dating as far back as when Heechul and Jungsoo were in high school. Donghae had been moping around his and Hyukjae's apartment when he’d suddenly received all five boxes and a call from Heechul asking him to look through them for what could be used for the reception video. Donghae had pouted and protested just for the sake of it but was secretly thankful to his hyung for giving him a much-needed distraction because going through Heechul’s souvenir collection is definitely a lot safer than thinking of impossible things... no matter how random such collection was.

Donghae shakes his head as he finds one of many detention slips that Heechul had kept apparently because it was Jungsoo who got him into them. Most people would be surprised to learn that between the husbands-to-be, it was Heechul who was the more sentimental one.

Donghae wishes his hyung weren’t that sentimental though when he finds a photo of their high school band. At any other time, Donghae would have laughed and cringed at their outfits and hairstyles and expressions that, finds himself staring instead, eyes lingering more than necessarily on the sharp features of said band's vocalist, dark eyes, that almost smirk. Jongwoon was handsome even back then, Donghae had always acknowledged this, though a different kind of handsome to his own. It wasn't so much the other's physical features per se, which were nothing to scoff at by the way, but had more to do with the other’s aura, his charm, and the gentle soul underneath that dark exterior he used to like to project that would take people by surprise. The years had seemed to mellow Jongwoon down almost as much as Heechul but Donghae knows that deep down, Jongwoon was still that same confusing, beautiful soul he was back then, had actually felt a spark of that youthful intensity that night at Jongwoon’s apartment and now...

Donghae catches himself before his thoughts could go any further. After all, wasn’t the point of all this to keep him from thinking dangerous thoughts? But how could he with sharp eyes staring up at him, with the invitation sitting on top of his kitchen counter and the corresponding mark on Donghae’s desktop calendar for next weekend reminding him of the day they would meet again?

He’s probably bringing Yuri-ssi, Donghae thinks, actually flinches at the stab of pain in his chest, doesn’t bother asking himself why anymore. It doesn’t help either that Hyukjae had begged off going with him to the wedding, something about needing to go back home for that weekend too and to please send his regards to the happy couple. It would’ve been better to have Hyukjae with him because Donghae doesn’t really trust himself to deal with an apparently happily dating Jongwoon alone, is afraid he might do something bold and rash and stupid, but Hyukjae seemed like he needed some time alone too, had been acting strange since he went back to work and Donghae wasn’t, couldn’t be that selfish.

He puts the band photo on top of the pile to be used for the video and reaches for another stack, startles when something falls out from between them. Donghae blinks at the item, then picks it up.

A cassette tape.

It has been a while since Donghae has seen one, makes him feel nostalgic all over again, remembers him and Jongwoon exchanging mixtapes and laughing at the accidentally recorded sounds, the funniest of which was Jongwoon being attacked by his neighbor’s cat in the background of some 80s rock ballad. Donghae wonders where all those mixtapes had gotten to when he notices his name written on the tape’s spine in Jongwoon’s careful handwriting together with several circles and... was that a bar of soap?

That was strange. Donghae doesn’t remember receiving this particular one, is so sure because he remembers every single mixtape he’d received from Jongwoon.

Curious, Donghae stands up, padding barefoot to his studio, task forgotten in favor of looking for that casette player he’d gotten from one of those quirky shops that sold vintage items. He heaves a sigh of relief when he finds it, takes the tape out of its case, slides it into the player, finds himself feeling nervous for some reason, as though here were about to do something he shouldn't. He tries to shake it off because seriously, what harm could it do to listen to something that seemed to be meant for him to listen to anyway? Besides, it might not even work after all this time. Donghae isn't sure which option he is more afraid of so with trembling hands, he pushes play.

Donghae doesn’t know what to expect, he really doesn’t, but he couldn’t help gasping out loud when a familiar melody plays and Jongwoon's voice starts singing.

_I wasn't like this before_

_But things aren't going my way_

_The deeper my love gets_

_The bigger my fear grows_

Donghae blinks. If he weren’t mistaken, it was the song Jongwoon had sung that night Donghae met him and his friends, remembers the sad lyrics, the haunting melody, Jongwoon’s emotional voice giving life to words of pain and longing and hurting. Donghae remembers being moved to tears back then but listening to the song now... somehow, that melody, those words, they hit differently now that Donghae knew, could recognize that very same pain and longing and hurting for what it was, finds himself sobbing along throughout the song until Jongwoon's singing stops and all Donghae could hear is the other's labored breathing for a while.

Stupid, Donghae curses himself as he listens to Jongwoon breathe. So damn stupid. Why didn’t he realize it before? Why did it have to happen now, when everything just seems too late.

An answering hitch in Jongwoon's breath before the melody picks up again and Jongwoon continues.

_Don't listen to me_

_Don't figure it out_

_My foolish heart_

So fucking stupid, Donghae repeats, curls up into a ball on the floor of his studio as he clutches the case with his name on it close to his chest and listens to the final words of the song Jongwoon had apparently wanted him to hear back then yet he’s only listening to now.

An anguished cry, a choked sob, as everything finally makes sense and Donghae allows himself to acknowledge the feelings he realizes he has been denying all these years.

_I love you_

_I can't take those words out, they settle in my heart_

_So each time I breathe, it hurts._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: The song is So Close Yet So Far by Yesung, obviously not mine. :)


	40. Part 40

Jungsoo forces himself to smile as he listens to Donghae go on excitedly about the things he’d found in Heechul’s stash, tries not to comment on the dark circles around the younger man’s eyes, the smile on his lips as unnatural as Jungsoo’s own.

It’s been a while since they last saw each other, much less alone, so much so that Jungsoo takes his time to look him over, like a brother, almost a father.

 _Have you been eating?_ He wants to ask, noticing the gauntness in Donghae’s cheeks.

 _Have you been sleeping?_ But then the dark circles are answers enough.

 _Have you been crying?_ Puffy red eyes blink at him and it is only then that Jungsoo realizes he has been caught staring.

“Hyung,” Donghae says, brow furrowed in genuine concern. “Is everything okay?” he asks and Jungsoo wants to laugh. Wasn’t he the one who should be asking Donghae that?

Jungsoo shakes his head, smiles a little bit wider.

“Ah, stop pouting, Hae-ah. I’m okay. Just feeling a bit nostalgic, that’s all.”

“Oh,” Donghae says, smiling back. “Yeah, I guess it must feel surreal, huh, hyung, to be days away from getting married to Heechul-hyung?” A laugh. “Really, who would've thought you'd end up together just like the universe planned? The way you appeared to hate each other back in high school, always at each other’s throats.”

“Yeah?" Jungsoo says. "Well, who says we still aren’t?”

“Huh?” Donghae asks and Jungsoo laughs as well.

“At each other’s throats.” A pause. “Though these days it’s more in the literal sense more often than not.”

And Jungsoo watches with amusement as the expression on Donghae’s quickly morphs from cute confusion to abject horror in three seconds flat.

“Jungsoo-hyung!” Donghae whines, looking a bit green. “I so didn’t need to know that.”

Jungsoo shrugs, takes a sip of his latte that had already grown lukewarm from them sitting there for almost an hour. He drinks it anyway — he was never one to waste good coffee, or anything for that matter.

“Yeah, well,” he says again, then, on a whim, decides to test something out. “By the way, I hear you’re getting along with Jongwoon again these days,” only to flinch when Donghae drops what he is holding — a school harmonica that served as medium for Heechul and Jungsoo’s first indirect kiss.

“W-what?” Donghae asks, eyes shaking a bit, tries to play it off. “I mean, of course Jongwoon-hyung and I are getting along. Why shouldn't we? Why'd you ask, hyung?”

And Jungsoo thinks that maybe he was onto something after all.

Well, he had always known about Jongwoon’s feelings for Donghae, even without Heechul telling him. How could he not? It was quite hard not to notice, even back in high school, the way Heechul’s suddenly acquired little brother had managed to secure himself a special place in the elusive vocalist’s heart and vice versa. Even as an outsider, Jungsoo had seen just how precious their bond was, had been jealous of said bond at one point because wasn’t it it unfair that two people who weren’t meant to be together — a blank and someone else’s soulmate — had come to treasure each other that much whereas he and Heechul...

Jungsoo was a fool to envy them that — though in his defense, all of them had been quite foolish at some point. Jongwoon, who had run the moment he’d seen Donghae with his soulmate. Donghae, who refused to see what all those nights spent crying in Jungsoo's or Heechul’s arms after Jongwoon had disappeared from his life meant. Heechul, who until now believes...

Jungsoo smiles, decides to have mercy on Donghae.

"No reason,” he says, picking up a photo of Jongwoon’s and Heechul’s band. “I just remember you tailing him like a lost puppy back in the day. You were even there at almost all their gigs even when you were still in middle school.”

“What?” Donghae sputters, face growing impossibly redder. “I... I was there for Heechul-hyung, okay?”

“Of course,” Jungsoo says, resisting the urge to pat Donghae’s head. And then...

“Hae, are you happy?” he asks randomly and Donghae startles.

“W-what?” Donghae asks.

“Just indulge me,” Jungsoo says. “It’s been something I’ve been thinking of lately so I’d like to hear other people’s take on it.”

“Hyung,” Donghae starts. “Are you saying..? But you’re with Heechul-hyung, your soulmate? Why aren’t you happy, hyung?”

“I didn’t say I was unhappy,” Jungsoo says. “Though I could ask you the same thing.”

Donghae’s eyes widen at the implication and Jungsoo couldn’t help but feel a pang of pity when Donghae forces himself to recover, laughs.

“What? Hyung? What are saying? I’m happy with... I’m happy with Hyukjae, what do you mean?”

And he looks so miserable trying his best to smile that Jungsoo decides he’s had enough of it.

“Please stop, Hae-ah. You know you can never lie, least of all to me. Your eyes,” Jungsoo says. “They shake when you lie and you may say that you’re happy now but they tell an entirely different story.”

“...”

A sigh. “You can tell me, you know. Whatever is in your heart, you know you could trust me.” And, just because Jungsoo has a feeling he knows where this is going... “You know I won’t judge you, right, Donghae-ah? After all, feelings are neither wrong or right and...”

“But it’s wrong, hyung!” Donghae blurts out, slamming a fist on the table, drawing some looks from the other diners. Both Jungsoo and Donghae ignore them as Jungsoo reaches across the table to place a comforting hand on Donghae’s trembling one.

“Donghae-ah...”

“It’s wrong and I’m wrong and we shouldn’t have, I know we shouldn’t, have but I wanted it, wanted him all along and damn I’m so fucking stupid to not have realized sooner that I was in—“

“Shh,” Jungsoo says. “Shh...” Continues patting Donghae’s hand in comfort, heart hurting as well.

So that was it, huh? Jungsoo thinks. Jongwoon’s feelings, they were never one-sided but to realize it now of all times...

It saddens Jungsoo, just how two people could love each other so much and yet hurt each other in equal measure. He sighs.

“You should tell Hyukjae then,” Jungsoo says and Donghae’s head had never whipped up more quickly.

“What? No, hyung. No. I can’t hurt him, not like this. This is all on me. I’m the one who should...”

“But, Hae-ah, didn’t you ever stop to think that Hyukjae and yourself, it isn’t just the two of you who are hurting.”

Donghae just looks at Jungsoo blankly, confused, and Jungsoo wants to let out a bitter laugh.

These idiots. These two fucking idiots.

“Jongwoon, Hae,” Jungsoo says, mildly exasperated. “Has it never occurred to you that he may be hurting as well.”

Donghae frowns, “Jongwoon... hyung...” Shakes his head. “But hyung, that can’t be. He’s with Yuri-ssi now and they look so happy.” A pause. “There is no way I could make Jongwoon-hyung smile the way he does when they’re together.”

Jungsoo sighs. Idiots. Two fucking idiots.

Make that three, he thinks as he remembers the last time he and Heechul had gone out for dinner with Jongwoon. Jungsoo loves Heechul, he really does, but sometimes...

“Look, I'm not saying... Just be honest, okay, Hae-ah?" Jungsoo says. "Otherwise, you will never truly be happy."

"Ah, but that's okay, hyung," Donghae says with a sad smile. "At this point, I don't think I deserve to be."

"Hae..."

"Well, I guess I better get going, hyung. You need your beauty rest and I need to get dinner started," Donghae says, standing up and gathering his things, and Jungsoo couldn't help but miss the honest, headstrong teenager who stopped him in the school corridor one day after class and flat out asked him if he hated his Heechul-hyung.

"I don't," Jungsoo remembers his seventeen year-old self saying. "I just wish I could understand him more, that's all."

"See you this weekend, hyung," present-day Donghae says and as Jungsoo watches Donghae's back as he walks away, Jungsoo couldn't help but think that of the two brothers, it is the younger one couldn't understand after all.


End file.
